We have no more embryos. We’ve known for more than a year now that we would not try to get pregnant again, but we only just got around to taking the final step of disposing of our two remaining embryos. Even though all we had to do was sign a form and have it notarized, it was an intensely emotional moment (at least for me). I didn’t really expect that, to be honest, since I thought I had already done all my crying and grieving. I was so distraught after submitting the form, that I had to take the rest of the day off from work.
So, that’s the (official) end of our family building journey. No more obsessing over TTC. No more reasons to hang on to baby items. While that makes me incredibly sad, I think I’m doing a fairly good job of embracing the silver linings. I’m already devoting more time to “finding” myself again. I’m making the time for the things that I enjoy, like reading and connecting with like-minded people (which is super hard, due to my introversion). I’m more active, taking walks outside or working out at the gym. I’m eating better and losing weight. When I spend time with my daughter, I’m more attentive and in the moment. I’m finally devoting more care and attention to my marriage, which hasn’t been terrible, but has been neglected for far too long. Same with other relationships. Infertility really takes a toll on relationships of all kinds. I’m just overall becoming a better version of myself. And that makes me so happy! Even typing this, I’m smiling and feeling hopeful.
I don’t yet know what I’ll do about this blog. I thought for a while that I would transition into writing about parenting, but that just does not appeal to me. I may one day return to writing about infertility and loss, but as of right now, I need a break from that. I’m in a good place, but reading and talking about infertility and loss are just too triggering for me. So, this is looking like goodbye, at least for a while.