Up until recently, I had been doing a fairly good job of dealing with my bitter thoughts, acknowledging them and then letting them go. Lately, however, I’ve been having a hard time with the letting go part. As I’ve said before, I’m not proud of these thoughts, but I refuse to beat myself up over them. I know they are a normal part of infertility.
On Easter, my sister-in-law had her baby, a girl. She is their second child, third pregnancy (she lost her first). I mentioned in a past post that she had placenta previa and was worried about an early delivery via c-section. Fortunately, the placenta moved and she was able to have a vaginal birth, as planned. As far as I know, there were no complications. Mom and baby are healthy.
The news of the birth came via text message while M and I were two time zones away on vacation. We sent our congrats via text message, asked for details, and asked when would be a good time to call. Later that day, we talked to my brother-in-law and learned that her name is “C,” very, very similar to my grandmother’s name, which I’ve had my heart set on giving to my first daughter (should I be so lucky). Now, I’ve never “claimed” the name–that would be ridiculous–so it’s not as if she “stole” it. But it kind of feels that way. I really hope the name has meaning for her, beyond popularity or just liking it.
The thing is, I expected someone in my family to use the name by now (I’m one of the last grandkids to have children); in fact, every time someone has a girl, I hold my breath that they won’t use the name. Frankly, I’m surprised and disappointed that no one has. It’s a beautiful name, and my grandmother was the matriarch of our family. What better way to honor her memory than to keep her name alive. I know my mother and my aunts–her daughters–would love that.
M has already made the comment that it would be too confusing to have first cousins with nearly the exact same name (they will also share a last name) and he thinks we should take it off the list. I told him I disagreed, but I haven’t dug my heels in… yet. It may never even be an issue. I may never have a daughter. But, if I do, I will fight to name her after my grandmother. I’ll cry and play the infertility card if I have to. It won’t be my finest moment, but this is important to me.
My sister-in-law has been trying to FaceTime or Skype with us since the day C was born. I assume the reason is to “introduce” us to the baby, which would be fine, except that we’re planning to meet her in person on Saturday, less than a week after she was born. We’ve had these plans for at least a month (to celebrate my father-in-law’s birthday), so I’m not sure why she’s being so insistent. I know she’s happy and excited and wants to share–I would be, too!–but I wish she were more sensitive to how hard this is for me. It kind of feels like she’s shoving her fertility and success in my face. Yeah, I know, I’m a bitch for making it about me, and for expecting her to take her excitement down a notch for my benefit.
So, here I am, again trying to figure out what to do with these feelings of bitterness and jealousy, so that I don’t completely go off the rails on Saturday. Not only did they “lap” us in the kid department, they used the one name I had my heart set on for my own daughter. What hurts the most is knowing that I may never even have a chance to use it.
I hate that infertility has killed the joy I should have over the arrival of a new family member.
On top of all this, I’m coming to the end of another cycle, and this time I don’t need to push hope away. This time, I never had any to begin with. Which I guess I should be happy about, since that’s been my goal for quite some time. I just never expected it to feel so sad.