More Sad Ramblings

I’m finding it almost impossible not to think about the alternate universe I could be living in right now if I had not lost my baby.

Instead of hauling heavy boxes up two long flights of stairs to set up for a work event, I would be wrapping up projects and briefing my coworkers who would be covering for me during my maternity leave.

Instead of crying over random baby items I (still) find stashed around the house, I would be purposefully and happily unboxing all the baby stuff from storage.

Instead of dreading having lunch with a friend who is also parenting with infertility, fearful that she may have “news” to share with me**, I would be excited to catch up with her and find out if they had decided on a FET date. 

I honestly don’t know if it’s healthy to let myself have these thoughts or not, but I don’t think I could stop them. Is it part of the grieving process, or is it hindering the process? I don’t know. They aren’t all-consuming thoughts, though they usually trigger a crying episode. I know I should be kind to myself right now, but having written this down, I now feel kind of pathetic. But, man, reality hurts so much right now.


** Damn, I hate when my instincts are right. She learned she was surprise pregnant from her pre-transfer bloodwork. I’m happy for them, but…. well, you know.

February

It’s February.violet-275x300

Breathe….

Ten days from now is my due date. (Was my due date? I suppose past tense is more appropriate.)

Breathe….

I keep thinking, If I can just get through it… Once February 11 is in the past, things will get better… easier.

The passage of time dulls grief, that I know for certain. But my grief is complex. All grief is, but what I’m referring to is the grief over not only the loss of my baby, but the how and the why, plus the grief over the loss of the family I had hoped we would have.

Every day, when I drop my daughter off at daycare, I see her interact with the other kids. For a few brief (but heartbreaking) moments, I watch her sit patiently as one of the younger girls “helps” my daughter take off her coat and boots. I see her make silly faces at one of the babies, and gently replace a pacifier like a pro, while I talk to the daycare provider. I’m barely holding back tears as I slip out the door to go to work. C would have made a wonderful older sister. Being an “only” will be great, too, I know – and C will never know any different – but it breaks my heart that she won’t get to be a sister.

While I have never for one moment regretted our decision to terminate the pregnancy, and even though I was treated with such care and compassion during the procedures, it remains a traumatic experience. And I still can’t get over the why. Why did this happen? I was on 2mg of folic acid, five times the normal recommendation for a pregnant person, and the exact same amount I took while pregnant with C. Why wasn’t that enough this time?

I’m holding on to a lot of shit. Shit that I can’t control. Shit that is irrelevant now. I’ve been holding on to the illusion that once my due date is in the past, all of that shit will dissipate, like magic. But that’s stupid. It’s not a magical date, and the universe just doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. I wish we didn’t have to do so much goddamn work to deal with our grief.

 

Getting Duped By Hope

I know this was only my first full cycle after my loss. I know we didn’t really try to get pregnant. I know it takes time to for one’s cycle to return to “normal” after a loss.

Still, I was devastated to get my period today.

I decided at the start of my cycle to use OPKs to have at least a general idea of what my body was doing or trying to do. I didn’t get a positive until CD 26, and we didn’t have sex until the day after that. Not avoiding trying to get pregnant, but certainly not making a valiant effort. Assuming I ovulated the day after that positive OPK (probably, since I also had fertile cervical fluid at that time), good old Aunt Flow’s arrival today means my luteal phase was a whopping 7 days. Or I didn’t ovulate at all, I suppose. Either way, it’s shit.

I had no right to hope for anything better than that, to be honest. I mean, back when we were TTC the old fashioned way, I always ovulated late-ish, around CD 20. And my LP was only 10 or 11 days long. So, not too far off from this cycle. Expecting my cycle to magically morph into that of a normal fertile person is simply ridiculous. Yet, I think subconsciously maybe I did expect it. Or at least I had hoped for it. You read so many stories about previously infertile women spontaneously conceiving, especially after a loss. Why couldn’t I be one of them? Didn’t I deserve to be one of them? Damn hope, once again reeling me in.

I don’t know where to go next. Maybe I would be happier not testing or tracking my cycle until we decide to really try to get pregnant (as unlikely as it may be). In fact, I know that’s what I should do. I should shut it down and not give it another thought until after the holidays. I should just enjoy Christmas with my family and work on healing my mind and body. Should….

Heavy Heart

heavyheartI’m struggling today. My own grief over our recent loss combined with the grief and fear over the presidential election results are just too much. My heart is just too heavy.

I’ll admit, I haven’t been doing the grief work that I know I need to do in order to heal and move forward. My therapist and I talked about the importance of acknowledging the loss in some way, like a service or ceremony, or some sort of physical memorial, like a tree (or the tattoo I’m planning). She asked if the baby had a name, and I told her no. It’s true – we hadn’t officially decided on anything, though I had pretty much settled on one before we learned of her condition. I hadn’t told my husband, because I was afraid I might change my mind before she was born. I still haven’t told him, but now I think I probably should. I think I would like for her to have a name. And, as much as it hurts, I would like to talk about her more, and giving her a name would help with that.

We haven’t talked about trying again. I’m afraid to open that door, because I have a feeling he will want to slam it closed and weld it shut for good. I keep telling people that we’re not sure if we want to try again, but the truth is that I do want to try. I want to try with our embryos until we don’t have any left. If we don’t, I may grow to resent it. I worry, though, about the strain it may cause. My husband is already working like a maniac to support us. We’re far from poor, but paying for even one more FET would be a stretch. Not to mention the emotional strain. At this moment in time, however, my desire to have another baby is greater than my drive to avoid conflict or discomfort, greater than my fear of having another baby with a neural tube defect.

I used to think people who claimed fear or grief after an election were just being dramatic. I mean, I wasn’t happy when George W. was elected, but I was far from scared or depressed. But this year, I’m among those scared and despondent. Chief among the many reasons for feeling that way is what this means for reproductive rights. It was hard enough for me to get an abortion for medical reasons, I’m legitimately afraid of how much worse things could get not only for people in a similar position, but also for those seeking abortion for any reason. Not only that, I’m dismayed by how many of my loved ones support a president and other elected officials who would take away my right to choose to end my pregnancy. It makes me sick to think that people I love, who are supposed to love me, would force me to carry to term a baby with no chance of living. It hurts. Deeply.

I’m not dealing with all of this emotional turmoil very well. Writing this blog post is the healthiest thing I’ve done in a while. Mostly, I’ve just been eating my feelings, and then feeling terrible for it, and  then eating THOSE feelings. A vicious cycle.

Word Vomit

Excuse me while I vomit words all over this page. As I’m sure you can understand, I just need to get this out. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense.

In addition to the immobilizing grief of losing a baby, I’m experiencing a great deal of resentment and anger about all the different pieces of “fallout” from the loss. For instance:

  • Once again, I have to do the “unfollow” on social media dance. I had just gotten to a point where the infertility thing didn’t hurt so much, and even “fertile” pregnancies didn’t really bother me. I didn’t need to screen my social media accounts for triggering baby-related posts or advertisements, because nothing triggered me anymore.
    • New friends of ours went through IVF at the same time we did. In fact, their transfer was only 10 days after ours. It was her first, and I had helped answer questions for her about medications, and ease her mind about some spotting caused by the progesterone suppositories, and then put her at east again when it was time to stop the progesterone. My husband and her husband talked about the process and their feelings about infertility, which was amazing to me, as my husband doesn’t usually open up about this stuff. Her pregnancy is going well, thankfully, but it’s hard for me. I had to unfollow her on FB, as I just can’t bear to see what we SHOULD be experiencing at the same time. Not only that, I’m not in a position to support her while she navigates pregnancy after infertility. I’m literally the only person she knows who has gone through it, and it makes me feel terrible to just disappear. But I have to protect my heart.
  • Screening e-mail and snail mail, and unsubscribing from all the baby-related crap. I was actually beginning to enjoy some of it. Now I’m once again being triggered by offers for discounted birth announcements.
  • TTC… again… or not? This was supposed to be our second and last child. No more TTC ever again. After our baby was born, the plan was to purge all the maternity stuff from our home, and decide on permanent birth control/endometriosis management for me. Instead, we are faced with 1) deciding IF we will try again, and 2a) if so, HOW will we try – how much effort are we putting into it? OPKs, fertility monitors, supplements/medications, just have sex whenever we feel like it and hope for the best, FET? And for how long? 2b) if not, how do we make peace with that decision? When are we supposed to make these decision?
  • Related to the above, what the hell do we do with all the baby stuff we were getting ready to use again, for the last time? Hide it, so it doesn’t taunt me as we decide whether or not to try again, or while actively TTC? Get rid of it, because we will probably never need to use it? Every time I see a baby toy or bottle or even a nursing pad (for some reason, they are STILL floating around everywhere in my house), I break down in tears.
  • What about our plans to transition our toddler to a new bed and a new bedroom? Do we just abandon that idea, forgetting we ever planned to do it at all? Or do we proceed as planned, though we don’t need to? I literally go back and forth on this one all day long.
  • Now, I know we don’t need to make any decisions about this stuff right now, but the mere fact that we do eventually have to think about this shit is really pissing me off. Because it wasn’t supposed to be this way. IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE THIS WAY.
  • Therapy. I’m a huge fan. But right now, I’m fucking angry that I need it. I resent that I have to take PTO to go to sessions, that I have to plan it around meetings, so that I don’t walk in late with a tear-streaked face or red, puffy eyes. I know: No one wants to be grieving. Clearly, not a single person chooses this. But, of all the times I’ve grieved, this one seems to be very different in the sense that I’m resentful towards the whole process. I know I need to grieve, I need therapy, but I really hate being here at the start of it all. I hate that I have work through this shit. Does this even make sense to anyone other than me? Basically, I’m complaining about it being a major inconvenience. No shit.
  • Everyone asking me how I’m doing. I can’t tell you how sick I am of that question. I know people mean well by it. I’m glad they ask, even while I rant in my head about how impossible it is to answer that question. It’s not so much the fact that the answer changes from one moment to the next. It’s more the fact that I don’t fucking know in any given moment. I’m functional. I shower, I go to work, I play with my daughter and tend to her needs, I do household chores, I plan for future things. I’m sad most of the time, but I feel happy at times, too. I’m not in a state of constant despair, but I do have moments when I can’t even move from the weight of my grief, or when I need to close my office door so that my colleagues can’t see the tears suddenly welling up in my eyes. So, I guess it’s not the question that bothers me so much as the fact that I don’t know how to answer it.

Shittiest Birthday Ever

Today is my birthday. We lost our baby 553001473-lonely_birthdaytwo weeks ago, so this is pretty much the shittiest birthday ever. Three days ago was the shittiest birthday ever for my husband. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Valentine’s Day (my due date was February 11)…. all of the holidays that will soon be upon us will be the shittiest ones we’ve ever had.

The due date for my first ever pregnancy was the day before our wedding anniversary in November, and my miscarriage of that pregnancy was the week before Mother’s Day. So, it’s safe to say that pretty much every holiday, birthday, and anniversary is ruined. Only my daughter’s August birthday is still safe.

I know things will get better over time. The main loss anniversaries will always hurt, and I’m pretty sure Fall is forever ruined for me, but I know I will eventually be able to celebrate my birthday and other holidays free of grief. I know it takes time. But right now, it really sucks.

I’m trying to take grieving one day at a time, but it’s hard not to think about the holidays coming up and how much they are going to suck this year. Next year will be better, I know. As will the year after that. But for next year or so, I’m anticipating lots of awful, sad celebrations.