It’s been exactly a year since my embryo transfer. A year. So much has changed since then.
I was so happy and hopeful a year ago. I know I will be those things again, someday, but not today. Probably not for a while.
And that’s okay. I’ve been trying to rush myself into closure, but that’s neither helpful nor fair. So, I’m stepping back from that, from trying to heal. Instead, I’m embracing grief – messy, uncomfortable, painful grief – and allowing myself to witness it, to experience it, and to simply let it be.
I almost titled this post “Unhappy Anniversary.” But, then I realized, it only seems unhappy through the hindsight of grief. It was actually a very happy day, at least once we learned that our embryo had survived the thaw. While waiting to sign the consent forms, we spied a wild rabbit in the bushes just outside the window. It felt like a positive sign at the time, and even more so later when we found out I was pregnant. The transfer went smoothly, after which we enjoyed a relaxing stay at a hotel before driving home the next morning. All in all, it was a happy, hopeful, beautiful day. I feel like it’s important to acknowledge that, to let myself have this happy memory, and the ones that followed.