The Post That Almost Wasn’t

During the last week, I’ve started and trashed about 6 different blog posts. I keep thinking I have something to say, but when I try to say it, it just seems… trite. Yet, things are still trying to get out, so here are the main points:

  • I’m doing okay. Not great. Sometimes good. Mostly just okay.
  • I’m not going to therapy, and I keep forgetting to do my tapping, but I have been engaging in self-care, like a weekly yoga class, fun nights out without the kid, and getting a new tattoo to memorialize our daughter.
  • C is all kinds of awesome! She’s 2.5, and literally every day she says or does something that makes me think, “Who is this little person, and where does she come up with this stuff?”
  • C is not an awesome sleeper. In fact, she’s terrible. Always has been. When she was a baby, I had hopes that she would grow out of it, but I don’t think that will happen. People tell me, “Just wait until she’s a teenager and you’re having to drag her out of bed in the morning!” All I can think is, “Bring. It. On.” I would love that situation RIGHT NOW. But something tells me that will never happen. I wasn’t like that, and given everything I’ve seen since her birth, I don’t think she will be, either. I don’t know if she’s “just” high needs, or if there’s a medical problem we might be missing.
  • C is rocking potty training. I’d say she’s pretty much fully day trained. (Can I just say, I’m constantly in awe of the size of the poop that comes out of her every day. Not just the total amount, but the ginormous pieces. It’s unreal.)
  • I’m so over winter. We received a stupid amount of snow early on, and though we’ve had quite a few warm days recently, there’s still so much of it. Where the lawn is bare, it’s soaking wet, and there’s water standing everywhere. Puddles are great in the summer, but not when it’s 40 degrees. So, playing outside is not much fun, even when it’s warm.

11 thoughts on “The Post That Almost Wasn’t

  1. Hang in there, Kitten. Depression is hard. Winter is hard. Motherhood is hard. Things will get better and things will get worse. You can do this. Enjoy the better when it comes. There are people out here who love you.

  2. HA I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that about toddler poop. I mean, where the heck does it come from?! It looks like an adult sized poop it amazes me every. Time. 😂😂

  3. Congrats on the potty training–when did you start? BG will be 2 in a couple weeks but *I* am not ready.
    Glad you are taking care of yourself (I say as I sit here procrastinating my sitz bath and tapping). I don’t have any tattoos but I admire them and think it’s a beautiful way to carry your memories ❤ XOXO

  4. Good to hear from you.
    By way of attempt at offering some degree of hope: I was a lousy sleeper too. MT was a terrible sleeper until after age 3. He isn’t awesome now (still a struggle many nights to get him to sleep) but so much better (in that he mostly stays asleep and we can drug him to fall asleep when really needed) that the difference is hard to believe. If only baby A would stop waking up at night I might feel human again… Wishing you peace and tenderness. Loss is so so so hard.

  5. Hooray for potty training! Missy is still nowhere near, and she’ll be three next month. She’s also a terrible sleeper, but we just started using a sleep training clock, and it could just be coincidence, but the last two nights have been a huge improvement. I don’t have any tattoos, either, but I think it’s a beautiful tribute go your baby. Sending hugs.

  6. OMG yes, the poop! I’m always amazed at how such a large thing can come out of such a small body.

    Thinking of you lots, I hope the upcoming warm weather will help lift your spirits ❤

  7. Not getting a full night of sleep can’t help with feeling off/depressed/etc. Maybe consult a sleep trainer? I know that my neighbor just talked to someone about her 3.5 year old.

    Agreed about the toddler poop. It’s amazing what comes out of them!

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