February

It’s February.violet-275x300

Breathe….

Ten days from now is my due date. (Was my due date? I suppose past tense is more appropriate.)

Breathe….

I keep thinking, If I can just get through it… Once February 11 is in the past, things will get better… easier.

The passage of time dulls grief, that I know for certain. But my grief is complex. All grief is, but what I’m referring to is the grief over not only the loss of my baby, but the how and the why, plus the grief over the loss of the family I had hoped we would have.

Every day, when I drop my daughter off at daycare, I see her interact with the other kids. For a few brief (but heartbreaking) moments, I watch her sit patiently as one of the younger girls “helps” my daughter take off her coat and boots. I see her make silly faces at one of the babies, and gently replace a pacifier like a pro, while I talk to the daycare provider. I’m barely holding back tears as I slip out the door to go to work. C would have made a wonderful older sister. Being an “only” will be great, too, I know – and C will never know any different – but it breaks my heart that she won’t get to be a sister.

While I have never for one moment regretted our decision to terminate the pregnancy, and even though I was treated with such care and compassion during the procedures, it remains a traumatic experience. And I still can’t get over the why. Why did this happen? I was on 2mg of folic acid, five times the normal recommendation for a pregnant person, and the exact same amount I took while pregnant with C. Why wasn’t that enough this time?

I’m holding on to a lot of shit. Shit that I can’t control. Shit that is irrelevant now. I’ve been holding on to the illusion that once my due date is in the past, all of that shit will dissipate, like magic. But that’s stupid. It’s not a magical date, and the universe just doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. I wish we didn’t have to do so much goddamn work to deal with our grief.

 

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10 thoughts on “February

  1. I am so sorry you are faced with such grief as the expected birthday approaches. I really appreciate your words “is the grief over not only the loss of my baby, but the how and the why, plus the grief over the loss of the family I had hoped we would have” – this really spoke to my heart. It’s just so true.
    Sending you love and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. I do think that the due date is one of the first huge milestones that you need to overcome after losing a baby. Having to see your daughter interact with babies wouldn’t help either. Hugs.

  3. I commented on one of your earlier posts but reposting it in case you didn’t read it… Your why bothered me…hence the repost… It saddens me that we don’t have answers when we think medicine has come a long way…

    I hate to say this without knowing which mutation you exactly have but I have known lot of folks with recurrent miscarriages being prescribed methyl folate instead of folic acid supplementation as the MTHFR mutation definitely plays a role in it. I have heard my Ob say that folks with the MTHFR mutation should not be taken folic acid as their body can’t process it but lot of doctors don’t believe in this unfortunately!

    You can read more about this in this site
    http://mthfr.net/absolutely-no-folic-acid-question/2011/10/04/

    Of late I have been hearing that this mutation is being discovered as the reason for long term health problems. So even if you decide not to TTC again, this information might be good to know

    • I’ve been so confused by what I’ve read about this, because it seems to be controversial among medical professionals. My MTHFR is the super common one, I forget what the exact type is called. I’ll have to look it up.

      • I had 4 miscarriages before I had my daughter. REs told me that my egg quality was to blame and that I have to do IVF with PGD to see if my embryos are chromosomally normal and that I might need a gestational carrier to carry to term. All the tests they did turned up nothing for me. I decided to see a reproductive immonologist who found a bunch of issues with me and with right treatment I delivered my daughter. My point being mainstream doctors are not always right and had I believed them I would never had my daughter. I think reproductive immonologists believe that MTHFR can cause miscarriages. So seeing a RI might be helpful in your situation

  4. I think there is grief (loss of baby, loss of sibling, loss of what you expected your family to look like) on top of the difficult decision to terminate on top of past reproductive grief (everything you went through before you had C). In other words, there are multiple shit storm layers of trauma. It’s A LOT. It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin. Thinking of you today, and tomorrow, and every day ❤

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