Getting Duped By Hope

I know this was only my first full cycle after my loss. I know we didn’t really try to get pregnant. I know it takes time to for one’s cycle to return to “normal” after a loss.

Still, I was devastated to get my period today.

I decided at the start of my cycle to use OPKs to have at least a general idea of what my body was doing or trying to do. I didn’t get a positive until CD 26, and we didn’t have sex until the day after that. Not avoiding trying to get pregnant, but certainly not making a valiant effort. Assuming I ovulated the day after that positive OPK (probably, since I also had fertile cervical fluid at that time), good old Aunt Flow’s arrival today means my luteal phase was a whopping 7 days. Or I didn’t ovulate at all, I suppose. Either way, it’s shit.

I had no right to hope for anything better than that, to be honest. I mean, back when we were TTC the old fashioned way, I always ovulated late-ish, around CD 20. And my LP was only 10 or 11 days long. So, not too far off from this cycle. Expecting my cycle to magically morph into that of a normal fertile person is simply ridiculous. Yet, I think subconsciously maybe I did expect it. Or at least I had hoped for it. You read so many stories about previously infertile women spontaneously conceiving, especially after a loss. Why couldn’t I be one of them? Didn’t I deserve to be one of them? Damn hope, once again reeling me in.

I don’t know where to go next. Maybe I would be happier not testing or tracking my cycle until we decide to really try to get pregnant (as unlikely as it may be). In fact, I know that’s what I should do. I should shut it down and not give it another thought until after the holidays. I should just enjoy Christmas with my family and work on healing my mind and body. Should….

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4 thoughts on “Getting Duped By Hope

  1. Don’t you just hate the word “should?” Don’t you just hate the word “eventually?” We “should” do all these things we know in our heads, and “eventually” things will be better. In the meantime, here we are steeped in the agony of our heart, right now. now, and pretty much the only way out is through. I don’t suppose that helps much, does it, lol. But I know you don’t need “help”, there is nothing I could tell you that you don’t already know. I only hopes that it helps in some small way in some moments to know that I hear you, and I know, and I’m so sorry for all of this pain. The scab gets ripped off so many times, in so many ways, big and small. Whatever you “should” be doing, you are doing things perfectly, in your own way, in your own time, and that’s how you get through. I’m sorry the process sucks so bad, and hope that you are having more good moments and days and weeks, (and “eventually” longer than that), and that that time is coming soon. Sending loads of love. xoxo

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