Heavy Heart

heavyheartI’m struggling today. My own grief over our recent loss combined with the grief and fear over the presidential election results are just too much. My heart is just too heavy.

I’ll admit, I haven’t been doing the grief work that I know I need to do in order to heal and move forward. My therapist and I talked about the importance of acknowledging the loss in some way, like a service or ceremony, or some sort of physical memorial, like a tree (or the tattoo I’m planning). She asked if the baby had a name, and I told her no. It’s true – we hadn’t officially decided on anything, though I had pretty much settled on one before we learned of her condition. I hadn’t told my husband, because I was afraid I might change my mind before she was born. I still haven’t told him, but now I think I probably should. I think I would like for her to have a name. And, as much as it hurts, I would like to talk about her more, and giving her a name would help with that.

We haven’t talked about trying again. I’m afraid to open that door, because I have a feeling he will want to slam it closed and weld it shut for good. I keep telling people that we’re not sure if we want to try again, but the truth is that I do want to try. I want to try with our embryos until we don’t have any left. If we don’t, I may grow to resent it. I worry, though, about the strain it may cause. My husband is already working like a maniac to support us. We’re far from poor, but paying for even one more FET would be a stretch. Not to mention the emotional strain. At this moment in time, however, my desire to have another baby is greater than my drive to avoid conflict or discomfort, greater than my fear of having another baby with a neural tube defect.

I used to think people who claimed fear or grief after an election were just being dramatic. I mean, I wasn’t happy when George W. was elected, but I was far from scared or depressed. But this year, I’m among those scared and despondent. Chief among the many reasons for feeling that way is what this means for reproductive rights. It was hard enough for me to get an abortion for medical reasons, I’m legitimately afraid of how much worse things could get not only for people in a similar position, but also for those seeking abortion for any reason. Not only that, I’m dismayed by how many of my loved ones support a president and other elected officials who would take away my right to choose to end my pregnancy. It makes me sick to think that people I love, who are supposed to love me, would force me to carry to term a baby with no chance of living. It hurts. Deeply.

I’m not dealing with all of this emotional turmoil very well. Writing this blog post is the healthiest thing I’ve done in a while. Mostly, I’ve just been eating my feelings, and then feeling terrible for it, and  then eating THOSE feelings. A vicious cycle.


4 thoughts on “Heavy Heart

  1. Hang in there, Kitten. There are people out here who love you and care what happens to you. I, too am frightened and depressed at the election results. I worry about women’s rights, about the climate change and so many other things. I am old (almost 78) and am afraid now that I will never live long enough to see good things reverse the damage that I fear is coming. I, too, was not able to have a child and I empathize with your dilemma. We finally chose to adopt a baby, and she has truly been the love of my life. I found your web site last winter when she, at age 27, needed a tonsillectomy and it was very helpful for us to read about your experiences and recommendations. Thanks for posting them.

    I send you my love and good wishes that something good happens to you very soon. Hugs to you, Mina

  2. I am also shocked and dismayed at the election results. I’m still not over them and it is over a week later. This has been a rough year for sure for you so I hope that you are able to find some things that will be healthy for you- like writing- so that you can begin to heal.

  3. Kitten,
    I found your blog while googling about my upcoming tonsillectomy and I just have to say that I am so moved by your writing. As a 19 year old diagnosed with PCOS I also cannot have a child easily or quite possibly at all. For a long time after being diagnosed I couldn’t grasp the thought of being different. Of not being able to be a mom. After awhile I began to realize you dont have to give birth to a child to be a mother. As for now I have adopted an adorable special needs puppy but I know that when I’m ready I will be adopting my children and I encourage you, when you are ready to consider having another child to do the same.

    Until that time comes I wish you all the best and I’m sending so many good vibes and prayers to help you get through this. Youre a mother. Youre a strong woman. You will get through this.

    With so much love and support,

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