Shittiest Birthday Ever

Today is my birthday. We lost our baby 553001473-lonely_birthdaytwo weeks ago, so this is pretty much the shittiest birthday ever. Three days ago was the shittiest birthday ever for my husband. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, Valentine’s Day (my due date was February 11)…. all of the holidays that will soon be upon us will be the shittiest ones we’ve ever had.

The due date for my first ever pregnancy was the day before our wedding anniversary in November, and my miscarriage of that pregnancy was the week before Mother’s Day. So, it’s safe to say that pretty much every holiday, birthday, and anniversary is ruined. Only my daughter’s August birthday is still safe.

I know things will get better over time. The main loss anniversaries will always hurt, and I’m pretty sure Fall is forever ruined for me, but I know I will eventually be able to celebrate my birthday and other holidays free of grief. I know it takes time. But right now, it really sucks.

I’m trying to take grieving one day at a time, but it’s hard not to think about the holidays coming up and how much they are going to suck this year. Next year will be better, I know. As will the year after that. But for next year or so, I’m anticipating lots of awful, sad celebrations.


8 thoughts on “Shittiest Birthday Ever

  1. Sending my love and wishing you some peace through these important days. For what it’s worth, my birthday has also been marked by two seperate losses, 1 year apart. I doubt that I’ll ever be able to think about my birthday in the same way.

  2. I am so sad with you. There really are no words and whatever I type out looks trite and facile so I’ve deleted the rest. It doesn’t even feel right to send birthday wishes (but if you want some they are yours). My birthday was ruined in 2013 with a scan that spelled doom even though the radiologist and my doctor insisted otherwise (sadly I was right, they were wrong). I hope time and life bring some welcome distractions, though I know nothing erases or abbreviates the grief. Thinking of you.

  3. I’m so sorry. We had a loss earlier this year, and I was due on Christmas Day. Thankfully we have a happy, healthy almost 3-year-old to distract us, but it’ll be hard not to think about it. I hope you find some peace soon.

  4. Shit, fuck, damn, fucking bullshit. I’m so sorry for this unfairness and pain. You know all the “right” things, you’re doing all the “right” things, just keep piecing the days together. My heart is with you. xoxo

  5. Because pregnancies cover so much of a year it’s hard not to have a loss affect holidays and other big milestones throughout the year. (Knowing that though doesn’t help anything.) I’m sorry that you and your husband had tough birthdays. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself throughout this shitty time.

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