The Old Green-Eyed Monster Returns

Damn. I was really hoping to avoid it this time. I thought there was a good chance, too, since I have my swee20523193968_7d332bd912_zt rainbow baby to keep me busy. But, here it is: Jealousy.

I’m jealous of pregnant women, specifically those who already have one or more kids. It doesn’t matter if they also suffered from loss or infertility. I want what they have, and I want it now. I realize I sound like a bratty child, but that’s how I feel.

I don’t even have a right to be jealous, really. I only JUST had my first postpartum period a couple weeks ago, so we haven’t even started trying yet. But already I’m dreaming of a sibling for C. He (or she) is already a part of our family in my mind and in my heart, so the longer it takes for him to get here, the more I miss him. Yeah, I know, he doesn’t even exist yet. But I think many of you will understand this feeling.

Of course, on the other hand, my fear is that he isn’t out there waiting to join us, that the picture in my mind was never meant to be. Part of me wishes my heart could just remain neutral on the subject: If more kids are in the cards, great, but if not, no big deal. Alas, that’s not the case.

For now, I wrestle with jealousy, and try to remind myself every day of the blessing that is my daughter.

14 thoughts on “The Old Green-Eyed Monster Returns

    • I have read it! In fact, I was not a fan. I know that sounds bizarre given what I said in this post, but at the time I read it, I felt like it was telling me it was MY fault that I couldn’t get pregnant, because I couldn’t feel or talk to or sense my “spirit baby.” Does that make sense?

      • Yes. I had that feeling at first then dug deeper and ignored the sense of judgment (which at least in my case I think came from me more than the author). Not for everyone though. I could talk to my spirit baby until I was pregnant with him. Then not at all. My fear held me back but I kept sending love to baby and trusting the messages got through. My fear was so intense it took me longer to bond with this baby even after he was born (waiting for the other shoe to drop I suppose) so I’m not surprised I couldn’t “talk” earlier. I hope things turn out the way we all want them to for you in time.

  1. “He (or she) is already a part of our family in my mind and in my heart, so the longer it takes for him to get here, the more I miss him.”

    This is exactly how I’m feeling. Levi is only 7 months but I’m definitely starting to get baby fever again. I just don’t feel like our family is complete. Maybe it is and I just don’t know it but I really hope we will have another. I planned on several children before infertility. I’m trying not to be “greedy” now and just trust God.

    I hope you will have another soon. 🙂

  2. Of course you are justified in feeling jealous of others. You can be grateful for what you have and be sad about what you are unable to have. The thing I’ve learned is that life is unpredictable and to expect the unexpected.

    Best wishes to you no matter where life takes you.

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