Damn. I was really hoping to avoid it this time. I thought there was a good chance, too, since I have my sweet rainbow baby to keep me busy. But, here it is: Jealousy.
I’m jealous of pregnant women, specifically those who already have one or more kids. It doesn’t matter if they also suffered from loss or infertility. I want what they have, and I want it now. I realize I sound like a bratty child, but that’s how I feel.
I don’t even have a right to be jealous, really. I only JUST had my first postpartum period a couple weeks ago, so we haven’t even started trying yet. But already I’m dreaming of a sibling for C. He (or she) is already a part of our family in my mind and in my heart, so the longer it takes for him to get here, the more I miss him. Yeah, I know, he doesn’t even exist yet. But I think many of you will understand this feeling.
Of course, on the other hand, my fear is that he isn’t out there waiting to join us, that the picture in my mind was never meant to be. Part of me wishes my heart could just remain neutral on the subject: If more kids are in the cards, great, but if not, no big deal. Alas, that’s not the case.
For now, I wrestle with jealousy, and try to remind myself every day of the blessing that is my daughter.