I’ve mentioned before our plan to start trying for #2 when C turns a year old. Well, that time is here. I still find it rather comical that we’re going to try on our own first, but M thinks it’s a good idea. I don’t disagree that we might as well give it a try, no matter how remote the chance of conceiving on our own. It doesn’t cost anything (except perhaps my sanity), and – as everyone likes to tell me – you never know. I’m all for saving a few thousand dollars.
If When I don’t get pregnant au naturale, we will do a FET, most likely next spring. That gives us about 6-7 months of trying on our own. The last time we TTC without help, I charted hardcore and used OPKs. I’m not sure I want to do all that again, so it may be that rather than try try, we’ll simply not prevent. I think I can handle that.
Of course, I have to get my cycle back first, and that means putting an end to breastfeeding. That will not be an easy task. C doesn’t nurse very often any more, but it’s a central part of her sleep routine, so I’m hesitant to take it away from her before she’s ready. And she isn’t showing any signs of being ready. Lots of women get pregnant while breastfeeding, but it seems I’m not even going to get my period until we stop. And even then, who knows? Part of me is tempted to just keep doing what we’re doing, and not worry about weaning until FET time. In other words, throw TTC on our own out the door.
So many emotions and thoughts…. Are we ready for this? Am I ready for this? This morning, as I was getting dressed, I looked down at my ankles and remembered how swollen they were at the end of my pregnancy. I thought about how difficult it was to carry around all that weight, and how utterly exhausted I was. How can I possible handle that again, this time with a toddler to take care of? I already feel like I’m missing a huge chunk of C’s life by working a full time job. I’ll miss even more when I’m too tired to play with her, and later when I’m caring for a newborn. I know people do it all the time, but that knowledge doesn’t seem to help with the guilt.
Not to mention the fear. Fear of miscarriage and stillbirth and premature birth. Fear that I won’t get pregnant at all. The optimist in me wrote the above paragraph, but the realist in me knows there’s a very good chance C will be our only child. As of this moment, I think I’m okay with that, but I know that trying and failing to get pregnant will take its toll on me.