Trying, Not Trying

I’ve mentioned before our plan to start trying for #2 when C turns a year old. Well, that time is here. I still find it rather comical that we’re going to try on our own first, but M thinks it’s a good idea. I don’t disagree that we might as well give it a try, no matter how remote the chance of conceiving on our own. It doesn’t cost anything (except perhaps my sanity), and – as everyone likes to tell me – you never know. I’m all for saving a few thousand dollars.

If   When I don’t get pregnant au naturale, we will do a FET, most likely next spring. That gives us about 6-7 months of trying on our own. The last time we TTC without help, I charted hardcore and used OPKs. I’m not sure I want to do all that again, so it may be that rather than try try, we’ll simply not prevent. I think I can handle that.

Of course, I have to get my cycle back first, and that means putting an end to breastfeeding. That will not be an easy task. C doesn’t nurse very often any more, but it’s a central part of her sleep routine, so I’m hesitant to take it away from her before she’s ready. And she isn’t showing any signs of being ready. Lots of women get pregnant while breastfeeding, but it seems I’m not even going to get my period until we stop. And even then, who knows? Part of me is tempted to just keep doing what we’re doing, and not worry about weaning until FET time. In other words, throw TTC on our own out the door.

So many emotions and thoughts…. Are we ready for this? Am I ready for this? This morning, as I was getting dressed, I looked down at my ankles and remembered how swollen they were at the end of my pregnancy. I thought about how difficult it was to carry around all that weight, and how utterly exhausted I was. How can I possible handle that again, this time with a toddler to take care of? I already feel like I’m missing a huge chunk of C’s life by working a full time job. I’ll miss even more when I’m too tired to play with her, and later when I’m caring for a newborn. I know people do it all the time, but that knowledge doesn’t seem to help with the guilt.

Not to mention the fear. Fear of miscarriage and stillbirth and premature birth. Fear that I won’t get pregnant at all. The optimist in me wrote the above paragraph, but the realist in me knows there’s a very good chance C will be our only child. As of this moment, I think I’m okay with that, but I know that trying and failing to get pregnant will take its toll on me.

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16 thoughts on “Trying, Not Trying

  1. Good luck on your attempt for baby #2. I am new to your blog but I find the TTC subject very interesting. I should have pursued that as my career. And I can totally relate to the guilt thoughts that come with Baby #2 as I’m currently pregnant with my second. Also the fear that comes with being pregnant (at 39 for me).

  2. I’m planning a FET for #2 early next year too, maybe we’ll be cycle buddies! My son is almost 2 and still nurses at nap/bed time and I’m getting ready to wean and have no idea where to start. He’s not going to be happy about it, but I’m more than ready to be finished!

  3. My son is 18 months and I have been trying for a sibling for about six months. I made a deal with myself that I would try and go through IVF etc only if I could keep my positivity and perspective for my son. I don’t want to waste these precious days with my miracle boy (via third round of ivf) by trying for another one. So far I have been mostly successful not being too upset and broken by failures (3 IVF rounds in). I share this simply to suggest you try your best to keep from being too emotionally invested in each month/ cycle/ FET etc. this is easier said than done but I still drink wine and caffeine when I am not cycling and try to live a normal life. It helps me keep my sanity and not have my son feel the stress or sadness. I look at it like a long journey and each step just part of it. My son wasn’t ready to wean but honestly didn’t seem at all bothered when I did. Wishing you so much luck!

    • Thank you for the advice! I think it will be easier to stay emotionally distant when we TTC on our own than FET, because if FET doesn’t work, we’re at the end of our journey. That’s a heavy weight right now.

  4. I think about this stuff all the time. We won’t bother trying on our own, but at nearly 17 months, Missy still nurses a lot, day and night, and my period is nowhere in sight. Our frozen embryos are in another country, and we likely won’t be able to attempt an FET until next spring or summer. Hopefully my cycle returns before then without forcing Missy to wean before she’s ready (or before I’m ready!). And yet, round two of pregnancy announcements has already begun. I hope everything works out for you with minimal stress/guilt. Good luck!

  5. My husband and I are at the very beginning of our infertility journey. After tossing the birth control in November 2013 and trying naturally (and not being a maniac about it), we tried for 18 months before seeking medical treatment and answers. Thankfully, I’ve check out completely fine, but husband’s semen analysis showed normal count but low motility. He’s off to see a Urologist next week and I’m trying not to be a total wreck about it. But I am sick of being disappointed month after month, all while my close friends and sister all get pregnant at the drop of a hat, so I’m ready to look for answers and move forward accordingly. I wish you all the best with “trying” again! And thank you for sharing your story!

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