The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I’ve been struggling with what to write about lately. I don’t want to abandon this blog, or go months without posting anything. I know at least some of you wouldn’t mind more updates on C – and believe me, I could write about her ALL day long! – but I know for others it’s triggering. At the same time, I want to be completely honest and open, as I have been through my entire journey – the good, the bad, and the ugly. But I know I’ll feel guilty for writing anything that sounds like a complaint. I know what advice I would give to me, but it’s still hard to talk about parenting after loss and infertility when many of your readers are still deeply in the trenches. That said, it’s important for me to get this out here and now. So, please, if you’re in a bad place, don’t read any further.

The Good

This is nearly everything, I will happily admit. Some highlights:

  • C is 8 months old, and on track in her development, both physical and mental/emotional. I’m amazed every day by how much she learns and remembers.
  • She is starting to look to M for comfort, more and more, even when I’m nearby.
  • She LOVES food, just like her mama!
  • She is the happiest baby you could ever wish for.

The Bad

  • C wakes up a lot at night, so I get very little sleep. We’re working on it, but it’s one of those “two steps forward, one step back” things. Sometimes it’s 2 steps back.
  • She is super clingy with me, as in I can’t even put her down on the bed in front of me while I get dressed without her crying huge tears. It’s incredibly annoying and inconvenient.
  • She’s had RSV once and croup twice in the last 2 months. I get sick every time, too.

The Ugly

  • I fucking hate pumping. HATE. Lately, my output has been seriously lacking. It doesn’t help that I went from 3 to 2 pumps per day, primarily due to my travel schedule. I know some women would kill to get anything at all, but for me, producing less than half of what she eats at daycare each day just isn’t worth it. I struggled, but finally decided to stop pumping at work. I have a good frozen supply, and C is not shy about eating solid foods. We’ll have to supplement with formula for a few months, but I’ve never had a problem with that. I plan to keep nursing her whenever we’re together.
  • I’m not so crazy about breast feeding, either. Again, I feel bad saying this, because I know plenty of women who would kill to be able to breast feed. Sure, I’ve loved – and do still love – things about it, like the bonding and the idea that my body can nourish my baby. However, lately, the negatives seem to outweigh the positives. I just want my body back. It sounds selfish, but I want to be able to eat or drink anything I want, and not worry about what OTC medications are safe for breast feeding. I’m tired of making my breasts available 24/7, planning my wardrobe around nursing, and worrying about leaking when I forget my breast pads.
  • I’m struggling to resume my work travel schedule, which includes evenings away, and the occasional overnight. I hate the idea of C being sad that I’m not there (especially with how clingy she’s been lately), and I worry about M’s anxiety dealing with a inconsolable baby. Plus, I just don’t want to be away from her, especially overnight. So far, it hasn’t been a big problem for me to restrict my travel, but I can’t continue like this for much longer. Eventually, I’ll have to bite the bullet.

So, that’s life right now.


10 thoughts on “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

  1. I hear you about breastfeeding and pumping. Now that we’re not breastfeeding, I miss it, but when we were in the thick of it, I wasn’t the biggest fan. I think it’s mostly because I am the primary caregiver and I could never have an hour or two by myself, even when my husband was home.

    I hope C starts sleeping soon, it’s hard to have a baby that refuses to sleep.

  2. It’s a blessing to be able to do it, but 12 months in I am definitely ready to be done with breastfeeding too. Unfortch, my daughter hates all other milk types. I can so relate to the clingyness as well. Gets realllllly frustrating at times. Overall, you sound like you are doing an amazing job balancing it all you super mom you! And i cannot believe it has been 8 months!

  3. Pumping was the WORST. Especially at work. I made it breastfeeding about 7.5 months and then my daughter ONLY wanted bottles. It was tough, but I’ll be honest in saying that I wasn’t unhappy about getting my body back. I could have kept pumping but I wanted to spend time with my daughter after work instead of pumping so we did the entire freezer stash before switching over to formula and she did just fine. Whatever decision you make it will be the right one for you, your family, and C.

  4. Oh, man, the whole not sleeping thing is the worst! Baby girl has never been a great sleeper, either. Every time she sleeps a decent stretch, I start to think, hey, maybe we’re onto something–and the next night she wakes up 14 times! Hang in there, mama. Hopefully both our girls will be sleeping better soon!

  5. Pumping is the absolute worst! I’m jealous of the breastfeeding (since C flat out refused to do it most of the time), and I’m also jealous of the freezer stash (since even with 8 pumps per day, I never made enough to feed him), but I don’t blame you in the least for wanting to quit. I quit pumping at 9 months and haven’t looked back!

  6. Pingback: Reflections and Resolutions | Forever Infertile

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