12 Weeks Later, It’s Still Not Entirely Real

I’ve been having this awful recurring daydream that C isn’t real, that she died or I miscarried, and I completely invented the last 3 months in my head as a way to deal with the grief. It happens in fiction, but is it something that could happen in real life? I just can’t shake the feeling that I’ll suddenly be faced with a reality in which C never existed.

Does this happen to anyone else? Just yesterday, as I was driving to an appointment on my lunch hour, I was suddenly afraid to look in the back seat, for fear I wouldn’t see her car seat, blanket, or any of the other random baby items that always end up back there. I thought, What if I look and it’s not there? What would I do? Call my husband, frantic, only to be told (reminded) that we have no baby? What if I show up at daycare only to find she’s not there, because she doesn’t exist? My mind delves even further into the abyss: What if this happens every day, and I have some weird form of amnesia, so my husband has to remind me about it all the time? What if I’m bat-shit crazy?

Is this normal? A form of post partum depression? It’s not constant, and it doesn’t interfere with my daily life, though it is a daily thought.

I know the root of the problem is in my history of loss and infertility. It doesn’t help that today is the 3rd anniversary of my first baby’s due date. But that doesn’t really tell me whether these thoughts are normal or if I should start seeing my therapist again. Do “normal” (non-loss, non-IF) moms go through something like this?

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10 thoughts on “12 Weeks Later, It’s Still Not Entirely Real

  1. God, yes! I know A exists but I find it hard to believe that she’s my daughter and that she came out of my vagina. It doesn’t seem real at all for me to be a mum. I guess maybe this is normal for those of us who have experienced infertility and loss, but I’m thinking of going back to my counsellor. I also feel I’m grieving a lot because I’m no longer pregnant (or breastfeeding) and won’t be pregnant again… which frustrates me because I have my miracle baby and I just want to be able to enjoy her. I’m sorry you’re struggling too, but a bit relieved to know I’m not the only crazy one! 😉

  2. Me too! I had that feeling through my whole pregnancy that maybe there wasn’t really a baby in there. Maybe I was just getting fat. Maybe the drs were showing me a video in the ultrasound screen because they were aware of my deteriorating metal state. And when I gave birth, I had a c section. I couldn’t see what happened behind that curtain. For all I knew, they sliced me open and the baby that wound up in the isolet was one my husband adopted. (granted, the baby is the spitting image of both of us) And the same thing has happened with this second pregnancy to a lesser extent. It has even affected my husband. What if the ultrasounds aren’t real? We are a crazy lot, those of us who have been through infertility. It’s perfectly normal though. Someday it will improve a bit… I think. 🙂

  3. So, I don’t know if I’m a normal, non-loss, non-IF mom (I mean, obv I’m not), but I have a 7 year old and I still have fears of something happening to him and us losing him. I am finally 26 weeks pregnant and it doesn’t seem real, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you feel like this. That being said, it probably couldn’t hurt to work through it with a professional. I do it every week! 🙂

  4. I feel the same way! Everyday, multiple times a day, I am just in awe and disbelief that Z is really here and all mine. I wonder if it’s real or all a dream that I’m so scared to wake up from. Infertility really fucks with your psyche and I guess having a baby doesn’t make it go away. I completely agree with what you’re thinking and feeling! You are certainly not alone!

  5. I don’t know if it’s normal but I like how open and honest you are. I imagine when our baby is finally here it is going to be hard to believe it is real so what you feel makes sense to me 🙂

  6. My first is 3 1/2 years old and I still have a fear of losing here. I was so paranoid during my pregnancy that I kept most things to myself until we were safely home from the hospital…just in case. I was uber paranoid when she was a baby, just like I could lose her at any moment.
    You are not alone!

  7. I think regardless of “normal” or not, it should be brought up with your dr, just to be sure. I know PPD can manifest in many ways and can spiral quickly so better safe 🙂

  8. I definitely have frequent moments where I can’t believe my baby is real. Not in the panicked way, but in the sense that I am just so awestruck by her presence that it doesn’t seem real. Also, I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD after having my baby. Basically, having obsessive thoughts (like you describe, or, in my case, of dropping my baby down the stairs, etc.) and then corresponding compulsions. It may be worth putting in a call to your OB to get it checked out. For me, talk therapy and a small dose of Zoloft nipped those thoughts in the bud.

  9. I’ve read a lot of people who have gone through infertility and became parents go through similar feelings. It makes sense that you go through so much and don’t think something is possible and then it happens and doesn’t seem real.

    Sending you strength and hoping you get the support you need to work through everything.

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