Finding the Positive in Exhaustion

Maybe it’s the exhaustion talking, but I think I’ve uncovered the reason for it: Distraction. I’m way too exhausted to worry about this pregnancy. Well, not completely. I still have a few nagging fears, but they aren’t as strong as they were before.

And let me be clear: I’m not just tired. I’m completely drained. All. The. Time. It’s already taken me 20 minutes to write these few sentences, because my brain is so foggy, I can’t type accurately, let alone form coherent thoughts. Earlier today, I typed entirely wrong words in a work email. I had to read it through six times before sending it to make sure I didn’t sound like a complete idiot. I’m not even sure if any of this is making sense.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I realize this sounds dangerously close to complaining… which I think I vowed not to do on this blog, but fuck it – pregnancy, no matter how hard you fought for it or how much you appreciate it, is not all rainbows and chocolate cake. It can downright suck. And right now, for me, the suckiest part is the mind-altering exhaustion. (Yeah, I know – it could be much worse. But this is MY worst, at the moment.) I’m barely functioning at work or at home. People like to tell me, If you think you’re tired now, just wait until the baby comes! And maybe they’re right. Maybe it will be 100 times worse. I can’t fathom that. I can’t think straight. I can’t make decisions. Not even what to have for dinner or which toilet paper to buy. I forget all the things: appointments, names, where I’m going, what my point was….

sleep

My typical sleep profile these days.

Oh, yes. I remember. Being this exhausted means I’m not too worried about the baby anymore. Hell, I’m not even upset at the prospect of possibly having a cesarean delivery due to the fact that she is still breech. At this point, I would be happy to just fall asleep and wake up with a baby in my arms. And that makes me feel guilty, because…. Well, there is a reason, but I can’t put it to words right now. On the flip side, it’s nice not to feel so anxious or scared. I’m literally just trying to get through one day at a time, and capture as much sleep as possible.

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18 thoughts on “Finding the Positive in Exhaustion

  1. People are idiots for saying discouraging crap about birth and parenthood to an obviously frazzled pregnant lady. WTF? How bout a little coaching, like “It will all be worth it!” or “Home stretch!” or “You will feel so much better when baby is in your arms!” or “Really, you’re tired? I couldn’t tell because you look amazing!” Etc. Etc. XOXO

  2. As the mother of a 4 month old, I can tell you that pre birth exhaustion is much different from post birth awake all night baby exhaustion. One thing is for sure though, they both suck! And the foggy head thing… the worst! Hope you find some time to sleeeeep before your little girl arrives.

  3. One of the issues about “crossing over” from IF to pregnant is the idea of “complaining” about pregnancy. I don’t think you’re complaining. I think you’re just telling us you’re exhausted, which is understandable. Pregnancy is rough on the body no matter what you went through to achieve it.

  4. I hated when people said things like that to me, they make it sound so horrible. I would rather have the exhaustion of being up at night with my son than the exhaustion of the last stages of pregnancy any day. Hang in there, just remember every day is one day closer to meeting your little one!

  5. Ha! Tonight I said to DH that I’m getting to the point where I can see how pregnancy is physically uncomfortable. It’s hard to bend over, hard to push up from a squat, and my feet are KILLING me, thanks to (self-diagnosed!) over-pronation and plantar fasciitis.

    So, I think it’s entirely possible to state that you are uncomfortable and yet still be consumed with gratitude for having these complaints. They’re a trade-off for a baby — no rational IFer would exchange symptom-free life for no baby, right? So BOO to fatigue (high five, sister) and hope baby turns. I’ve been compiling some good resources in caesareans, so lmk if I can pass on some vicarious tips xx

  6. Ahhh, the age-old dilemma of pregnancy after IF and complaining. This always drives me crazy. While I can certainly understand how someone still stuck on the other side would view a PGAIF person who’s complaining, it doesn’t make you a bad person. I don’t think our struggles require us to keep a smile on our faces 24/7. The hormones, the physical toll it takes on our bodies, the lack of sleep…at some point, we all have to say “fuck this, I’m not happy because I feel like shit.” I’m 8w4d and have somehow developed hemorrhoids. In my first trimester. And I’ve never had them before IN MY LIFE. You can imagine how unhappy I am about this. Sure, I’m relieved because this, along with the constant fatigue and nausea, remind me that everything is still okay in there. But it doesn’t mean I enjoy it. And the fact that I’ve struggled to have a baby in the past doesn’t mean I HAVE to enjoy it.

    Be kind to yourself. IF doesn’t make us superwomen that can sail through pregnancies like they are a breeze. We’re human just like everybody else. You’re only human. ❤

    • Thank you for that reminder. 🙂 I’m sorry about your bum. I’ve hemorrhoids since my miscarriage 3 years ago. They haven’t gotten much worse during pregnancy, thankfully, but I imagine after pushing (I HOPE I get to push) they will be brutal for a while.

  7. I think you should complain away! It’s definitely no fun to be exhausted. Your sleep profile tells you why. Baby is coming soon though. There is light at the end of the tunnel. ❤

  8. The exhaustion once baby comes is worse, but the hormones work wonders at getting you through it, so it feels completely different. I felt like I could do anything in a way, but I couldn’t talk straight. It’s indescribable, but different…. And for what it’s worth I’d take the early days exhaustion over pregnancy any day because YOU HAVE A BABY AND THAT IS AMAZING! And if you wonder if the baby is ok, you just look at it, and it is. 👍

  9. Ah, the mommy guilt starts. We are SO hard on ourselves for feeling guilty since we struggled so hard to have a baby but don’t…you are allowed to feel however you want. Hang it there!

  10. I hope you feel better soon, but from reading the comments it sounds like you may just swap one kind of tiredness for another!! I think you can write whatever the hell you like on your blog, complain if you want to. Nobody is forcing anyone to read it! You’re almost there mama x

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