The What-If Game

It’s impossible not to play it. Thoughts just pop into my head all of a sudden and take on a life of their own. Today the theme is What If My First Baby Hadn’t Died.

My husband and I met and got married relatively late in life. I was 33 when we got married; he was 32. We didn’t know we would be infertile, yet we both recognized that we weren’t getting any younger, so we started trying to get pregnant right away. We wanted to have at least 2 kids, not too far apart in age. Much to our surprise, it did happen right away. Then we lost the baby. She (I have a strong feeling the baby was a girl) would be about 2.5 years old today.

This baby I’m pregnant with right now should have been our second (living) child. I should be struggling to potty train a 2 year old to get her out of diapers before this one arrives. I should be worried about how the older child will adjust and the cost of having 2 kids in daycare at the same time. I catch myself imagining this alternate universe life in great detail from time to time. What if that was my life? How would things be different? How would I be different?

It’s not a game I like to play. I love my life as it is, including all the shitty things we’ve been through over the years. I appreciate that my marriage is stronger for having to deal with adversity, that we are each stronger as individuals for having worked through hard times, and that should we face more challenges in the future, we will be well equipped to face those adversities head on. I like who I am, and how I’ve found a place in the infertility and loss communities. I love being able to get and give support and advice.

Maybe I just tell myself these things because I know I can’t go back in time and change events. If I could go back and not have a miscarriage or infertility, would I? Would I sacrifice who I am now to avoid suffering? I would have said yes in a heartbeat 3 years ago, 2 years ago, even a year ago. But, today…. I’m not so sure. I will admit, though, that the alternate life running its course in my mind is very appealing.


4 thoughts on “The What-If Game

  1. The “what if game” is so dangerous to play, but I find myself doing it often as well. It’s hard not to think about where we would be if X, Y or Z didn’t happen, but like you, I’m happy with my life. We started trying just months after getting married and if it would have happened in the first few months, I feel like I would have missed out on a lot. Will I ever be thankful for infertility? Yes and no. Am I thankful for the heartache, the money spent, the stress? Hell no. But I am thankful that it brought my husband and I closer and gave us a chance to figure out how we work as a team during a difficult situation. Because of that, I feel like my husband and I can take on the world together and we’ll be ok.

  2. I play this game all the time. What if I had a baby in my 20s? What if I waited a bit longer and didn’t marry my first husband? What if, what if…. It sucks.

  3. I can relate all too well… Now that it’s been a while since we started trying, I’ve tried to stop the game but it’s not that easy.

  4. I play the what if game too… What if we didn’t have trouble TTC? I’d have a 4 year old and probably a 2nd child by now. What if my twins weren’t born too soon? I’d have 2 year old twin boys running around and making me crazy. It’s not really a fun game to play. I’ve been telling myself lately that the journey of self discovery I’ve been on since this whole infertility and loss things began is required (for me, for some reason) before my baby can come through. I’m learning lessons necessary to support him or her in this life. Is it really true or just my way of coping, who knows. I kind of think that if we didn’t have trouble TTC and had been able to start our family years ago that life would find another way to teach me those lessons.

Talk to Me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s