My Brain Hurts

And yours probably will, too, by the time you read all this. Sorry – I didn’t have the energy to make it shorter.

I don’t even know where to start, because all these event, thoughts, and feelings are swirling like mad inside my head. I suppose boring old bullet points will do.

  • We bought a house. Almost. We haven’t closed yet, but we’re in the home stretch. We didn’t expect to start looking for a home until this time next year, when we would have enough money saved for a down payment. When we mentioned this to my in-laws, they said, “No, you’re doing this now,” and gave us a generous loan to cover the down payment. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate their help.
  • Up until yesterday, the home-buying process was proceeding relatively smoothly. I won’t get into the boring details, but the gist is we are now responsible for costs much higher than disclosed by the seller’s agent. So high, it would have drastically changed our original offer. Our agent assumed some of the blame, as she neglected to double-check. So, she and the other agent scrambled all day to contact the sellers to renegotiate. They refused, so their agent – who made the original mistake – offered to give up part of her commission to close the gap. We took it. Though I make it sound like a minor bump in the road, it felt like a mountain yesterday. M was furious. He talked of filing complaints with the realtors association, as well as potentially suing both agents. We did get it all sorted by the end of the day, but M is still angry about the whole thing and just can’t let it go. I’m plenty mad, too, but far more understanding and forgiving than M.
  • My sisters have set a date for my baby shower – July 27! I don’t know the details yet, but they are honoring my request to make it an informal, coed event, more like a backyard barbecue. The whole thing makes me nervous on a couple levels. 1) I hate being the center of attention – I always have. Even though technically the shower is about the baby, and this baby has two parents, the baby is currently inside of me, so by default, I’m at the center of this. 2) Part of me still can’t believe we’re taking a baby home in ~3 months. I have no reason to believe anything will go wrong, but that doesn’t stop my mind from considering worst case scenarios. Bad things happen and we are not immune.
  • M is already talking about when we should start trying for #2. I get it – I’m a planner, too, and we’re not getting any younger – but I’m not ready to start thinking about this. M would like to try naturally for a while (ha!) and start trying as soon as I’m medically cleared to be pregnant again. I think he’s going to change his tune once he realizes how hard it is with just one baby. As for me, at this point, I don’t think I’d like to start trying until this baby is at least a year old. I’ll be 38. And I’d rather go straight to FET with our remaining 3 embryos than ride the awful rollercoaster of TTC naturally. If FET doesn’t work, then we can try naturally until we decide we’re too old. Wait… what the hell?! It’s insane to be thinking about this, right?
  • I have my gestational diabetes screening on Tuesday. It’s just the one hour test and I don’t have to fast for it. I’m terrified I’ll fail and have to take the 3 hour test, and fail that one, too. Again, no real reason to believe that, and it won’t be the end of the world if I do end up with GD, but I’m worried anyway. It’s like I can’t believe that this pregnancy will be problem-free. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I want there to be a problem, but at least I wouldn’t feel crazy anymore if there were. Like, something going wrong would mean my fears were valid. Man, that’s messed up, isn’t it?

I think that sums it all up. Overall, I’m feeling pretty good and most of the time I’m happy and relaxed. It’s just that every so often my mind is consumed by irrational fears or I get lost down the rabbit hole of what-ifs. But that’s only like 20% of the time.

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24 thoughts on “My Brain Hurts

  1. I am sorry about the whole house situation but I am glad you got it figured out and it will be totally worth it in the end!!! I have my GD test on wednesday and that last paragraph I seriously could have written. I am only up 1.8lbs from the day I got my BFP and my bloodpressure is still good but I am terrified that I am going to fail the 1 hour, have to take the 3 and fail that too. UGH!!! Good luck! I will be thinking about you! xoxo

  2. The whole house situation makes me mad for you guys, but I’m glad things (mostly) worked out in the end.

    Yay baby shower! We just had ours last weekend and I hate being the center of attention as well, I was nervous about it the entire time! When we opened gifts, I made K sit with me and do the actual opening, I just held the gift so we were both in the spotlight. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be, and you could really bypass the entire thing by deciding to open gifts just between the two of you after the shower.

    We’ve been talking about trying for #2 as well. With our RE being 3+ hours away, the whole thing seems like such a daunting task with trying to plan on who will keep the baby and such. We don’t have family to rely on here, so we’d have to make appointments during the hours which baby will be in daycare and we both know that doesn’t always work! K and I have decided that I won’t go back on birth control and we’ll try “naturally” for about 3 cycles before going back to our RE when we feel the time is right. I HATE that we have to start planning on growing our family before #1 even comes into the picture, but I think it’s good to have a plan.

    Good luck on your 1 hour test! I had to take the 3 hour test (and subsequently failed it…) and it wasn’t that bad. If you do end up with GD, I’ll be right there with you, so we can support each other.

    • Yes, I remember you mentioning talk of #2 a while back. I’m glad we’re not the only ones who are thinking about this. I’m sure my fertile family & friends would think we’re crazy, but when you have to plan to travel for treatments (as we will also have to), and you only have a couple more years left, you do what you have to do.

      I like your idea of waiting to open presents. I’ll have to subtly mention it to my sisters. (I’m having a hard time not planning my own shower 😉 ) I’m not sure how it will go over. People are used to traditional baby showers around here. I’m not even sure they will be comfortable with coed, let alone NOT opening gifts for 3 hours.

  3. Your news of your in-laws’ kindness made tears fill my eyes (could be I’m emotional lately, but I wanted to say how touched I am by your good fortune to have such loving, capable and generous family). I’m sure you know how lucky you are, but I have to say it anyway. All but one of our four parents is gone… and I really miss my Mom right now and so wish my partner’s parents were around. Enjoy!

    Hoping all goes well with the glucose test, the house closing, the shower and your birth in about 3 months’ time!

    • Thank you! We really are lucky. I’m so sorry your mom is gone. I can’t imagine going through all you are without my mom by my side. ((hugs))

      • Thanks, Sweetie. My Mom is with me. I think she’s been very close, actually, since sometime last year when things really started to go downhill but I know she’s here now. Not the same as in person, but better than nothing. Sending so much hope and good luck your way. How exciting about your new house!

  4. Hope all goes well with the glucose test, closing on the house, and your shower! You guys have a lot of things going on right now! And don’t feel bad about already thinking about #2. If we were 25 and fertile I don’t think that we would have to plan as much as we do…. 🙂

  5. The home buying process is a nightmare. It’s always “things were great until…” and the until is always a catastrophe. I’m glad you were able to work it out, but yes, it’s horribly stressful.

  6. Wow that is just messed up with the house situation. Glad you got it cleared up now.
    My husband started talking while I was still pregnant about ttc naturally too. It made me mad because I never wanted to ride that stupid ttc naturally rollercoaster again. It’s hard enough to try with IVF knowing that it’s just a chance!! I guess he is still wanting to try naturally before we move on again with IVF if that ever happens again. We are NTNP now but planning to try for “real” (except that its not real because it’s a waste of time!) in July.

    • I’m glad we’re not the only ones! It doesn’t help that I know women who have gotten pregnant naturally after successful IVF babies. Part of me would love to save the money, time, and hassle of FET, but another part feels like we owe it to our frosties to give them a chance.

  7. The house situation sounds very stressful, but I’m glad you got it figured out, and good luck with closing! Baby showers are kind of weird, but it sounds like your friends are considering your wishes. I hope it ends up being a fun day! And good luck with the 1 hour test!

    • Thanks! I’ve never been a fan of the traditional baby shower. I’ve always found it weird that only women are invited, as if the father doesn’t play an important role and no other man would ever want to celebrate the arrival of a baby. It’s so old fashioned and the games are usually annoying. My sisters have lots of great ideas, so I know it will be fun.

  8. woow lots going on! congrats on the house. it sounds complicated but it’s such an exciting process. especially since you’re expecting, it must really feel like nesting.. i hope you’ll enjoy the baby shower and that it’ll be informal and easy as you wished. As for trying for 2nd, I’m in no position to advise but I think you should enjoy this end of pregnancy and then the baby for a bit after having waited for so long before going back to tests and decisions.. xx

  9. I feel you on the house buying thing. We just went under contract for one and will close in a month (3 weeks before my due date! ha!) but thankfully it’s just across town. Sorry you had some issues but hopefully it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
    Some of my friends are insisting on throwing me a shower and the thought makes me feel ill, I also hate being the center of attention and after years of infertility still almost don’t believe I’ll actually get a live baby at the end of all this.

  10. Such big changes!!! I say stay focused on the now and let the worry about the “next” go for a bit. I am glad that everyone managed to work it all out so quickly with the home but be sure to keep an eye on the rest of the deal and have hard copies to compare numbers at closing “in case” of any other things that might bring a surprise for you guys.

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