Confession

I feel like a terrible person.

I belong to a loosely organized support group on Facebook for women who are pregnant or trying to get pregnant after losing a child. I’ve only been a member for a few months, so I don’t know everyone and their stories very well. Some have had early losses, some late. Some have lost infants. Some have lost several children. Some are also infertile, but most are pretty damn fertile.

Yesterday, one of them announced her BFP. After her loss, she and her fiance decided to put TTC on hold until after their wedding, which was ONE MONTH ago. I don’t know how long ago her loss was or whether she’s had more than one. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I was angry when I saw that she was pregnant already. One month?! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!

It shouldn’t surprise me. It’s not an infertility support group.

I’m happy for her, I really am. But, man, does this sting. And I feel like a jerk because of it. It’s not only her, either. Another woman recently got pregnant unexpectedly just 5 months after her son was born. Actually, she’s one of the infertile ones, so you’d think I’d be especially excited for her. Nope. I’m mostly jealous and annoyed, because I secretly hope the same will happen to me, even though I know the odds are slim.

It’s yet another example of how infertility hurts like hell no matter where I am in my journey. And, even though I’m connected to lots of people who share experiences similar to mine, I still feel alone. I guess we all have a unique situation that makes us feel like we don’t really belong fully to any one group.

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22 thoughts on “Confession

  1. Sweetie, I bet there are women on that group who covet your current pregnancy and could have written a similar post about you. I guess that’s the point – infertility, pregnancy loss and infant loss suck shit. I hope you can find joy in your pregnancy and let some of this anger go for your own sake.

  2. Don’t feel bad. If we have to start feeling bad about feeling bad, there is no end to the suffering… I decided I just need to accept being irrational (sometimes I can be really happy about a pregnancy, other times it makes me feel awful). Besides the negative feelings never last too long.. xx

  3. I completely agree. We’re all on similar yet different journeys. Anything and everything could be a trigger for our emotions. I’ve come to realize that having those emotions are completely OK and normal. No need to feel bad about how you feel.

  4. I’ve been there, too. It doesn’t make you a bad person, just one who’s been hurt. And healing takes longer than anyone thinks. Pregnancy doesn’t erase everything you’ve been through to get to this point. Hugs.

  5. I understand. That is how I feel too whenever someone announces their pregnancy. Especially a fertile person. It still hurts. It always will because it’s something I wanted that I don’t have – a natural BFP. Hugs.

  6. I think every single infertile has feelings like this, whether they admit it or not. I’ll admit it, whether they’ve had a tough journey or not I still feel the sting and the jealousy every time I see a BFP. You can be happy for people and still feel like this at the same time.
    You’re not a horrible person. xx

  7. I get this! It sucks to feel this way, but it is what it is. I’m sorry. You are not alone in your feelings though. It is hard to deal with pregnancy announcements.

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