A friend asked me how far along I am today.
“12 weeks,” I said.
“12 weeks already?!”
Already? I thought. More like, only 12 weeks.
As grateful as I am to be pregnant, it’s very difficult to enjoy it most of the time. I have a really hard time trusting my body after 3 years of failures: miscarriage, cysts, endometriosis, low AMH, failed cycle after failed cycle…. I know none of those things matter now, but I’ve seen my body as a big fat failure for so long, it’s a challenge to see it any other way. I want to enjoy my pregnancy, I really do, but I also want to hurry things up and have a healthy baby in my arms. I feel like every day she’s in there is another chance for my body to screw things up again.
I’ve been listening to my Circle+Bloom meditations, which does help a little, at least temporarily. Still, I keep eying a date on my calendar: May 8. 24 weeks. Viability. That’s the day after which my baby will have a fighting chance in the outside world. Will I be able to rest easier after that day? I hope so. Because the first week in May also marks the anniversary of the loss of my first pregnancy. May 3 is the day we found out about my missed miscarriage, and May 5 is the day I miscarried.
May 8 is still another 12 long weeks away, so in the meantime, I’m working on trusting my body now. Any ideas how to do that?