Trusting My Body

A friend asked me how far along I am today.

“12 weeks,” I said.

“12 weeks already?!”

Already? I thought. More like, only 12 weeks.

As grateful as I am to be pregnant, it’s very difficult to enjoy it most of the time. I have a really hard time trusting my body after 3 years of failures: miscarriage, cysts, endometriosis, low AMH, failed cycle after failed cycle…. I know none of those things matter now, but I’ve seen my body as a big fat failure for so long, it’s a challenge to see it any other way. I want to enjoy my pregnancy, I really do, but I also want to hurry things up and have a healthy baby in my arms. I feel like every day she’s in there is another chance for my body to screw things up again.

I’ve been listening to my Circle+Bloom meditations, which does help a little, at least temporarily. Still, I keep eying a date on my calendar: May 8. 24 weeks. Viability. That’s the day after which my baby will have a fighting chance in the outside world. Will I be able to rest easier after that day? I hope so. Because the first week in May also marks the anniversary of the loss of my first pregnancy. May 3 is the day we found out about my missed miscarriage, and May 5 is the day I miscarried.

May 8 is still another 12 long weeks away, so in the meantime, I’m working on trusting my body now. Any ideas how to do that?

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31 thoughts on “Trusting My Body

  1. Although I am not there yet (not even close!), I can actually imagine that… the thought that your body has failed you so many times in the past, why would it be different this time? It’s our own mind tricking us. I am very happy for you that 12 weeks have past already. The next 12 should pass very very quickly. Thinking happy and healthy thoughts for you!

  2. Its hard! While I haven’t gone through miscarriages, I’ve heard enough stories to know that they happen so frequently and at any point in time. It’s become my biggest fear, and one that I don’t think I’ll ever get over until the baby is in my arms.

    That being said, every day, every appointment that goes by and everything continues to be ok, gives me a bit more reassurance. I know that no matter how far along I am, nothing is guaranteed, but as I get farther into this pregnancy, I’m starting to feel better about things. I think even fertile women worry. Perhaps not as much as a woman who’s gone through IF, but they still worry. It’s part of pregnancy and part of parenthood.

  3. That sounds like a tough battle. I’ve never experienced miscarriage, so I can’t really give you any pointers. But I know that prayer usually settles anything in me that seems uncertain. I will certainly be praying for you and your little one.

  4. Its hard. I figured that since my body could not GET pregnant, it would suck at being pregnant. But, little by little, I trust my body more. Seeing them grow at each appointment, then seeing myself grow, then feeling them move – all those things add up to feeling just a little bit more comfortable each week!

  5. I was the same way. I know everyone probably says this, but one day you’ll wake up and you’ll be like 33 weeks pregnant and you’ll feel like 12 weeks was yesterday. The beginning takes forever and then all of a sudden you have a baby. I didn’t ever really believe it or relax 100% until I was in the hospital and they handed me a child (and then I was sleep deprived and hormonal and crazy, haha).

  6. I have no idea hun, I can’t visualise getting that far. The terror is overwhelming. I hope so much that you can find a way to rest and relax in this pregnancy. I am finding this very hard. Huge hugs and thinking of you xx

  7. I let logic and stats take over. Two miscarriages in a row is the exception, not the rule. Your chances statistically are fantastic. Take comfort anywhere you can get it. It won’t be long now that you will start feeling your little bug move and that brings a whole new level of reassurance. Then it starts rushing by. Until the end when my uterus over achieved and wouldn’t let him out. Just one nervous day at a time sorry.

    • I try to remind myself that, but it seems there are so many OTHER things that can go wrong, not just miscarriage. I know constant worry is no way to live, but it’s hard to shut out those thoughts.

  8. So for me I found the time around where you’re at really difficult. It’s that in between zone when the symptoms ease up and your energy level is better, but I wasn’t showing or feeling the baby move. I had a turning point at around 16-18 weeks because I my belly showed up and I started feeling movement. That really helped. I’m now 27 weeks and I do feel confident that the babies are doing ok in there, but my new paranoia is related to the actual birth part. I’m so scared something horrible will happen. I have a few complications though so I keep imagining the worst case scenarios. Oh to be one of those blissfully ignorant fertile women who just get pregnant and from the moment they pee on a test never question that they’ll be bringing home a baby in 9 months.

    • Yep, I’m also worrying about things that can go wrong later on. I’m sure regular pregnant women also worry, but not to this degree. Otherwise, I’m sure I would have heard about it.

  9. I completely get where you are coming from. 12 – 20 weeks was the hardest for me. I lived for my 16 week scan, and was probably the most nervous for that one. Once I started feeling BSquirt moving it made the world of difference. Now I look forward to the scans, and have a reassurance that all is ok. I still have moments of panic when I realise I haven’t registered movement for a while, but it passes. I’m 26 weeks now and I’m feeling much happier.

    One thing that got be through the quiet bit was the stats – by 12 weeks all major organs are formed, so chanced of miscarriage drop by 95%. Those of us who have been through one or more focus completely on the other 5%, but that really is a tiny number!

    Thinking is you and wishing you all the good thoughts and peace possible!

  10. I’m nearly 22 weeks and still spend most of the time terrified that the other shoe is about to drop. Everyone will have different experiences, but, for me, I think the trick was learning that, honestly, I’ll NEVER trust my body, but, after 4.5 years and 3 miscarriages, I’ve gotten damn good at interpreting it and learning how to fight against its nasty evil habits!

    Slowly things get better. Feeling movement is a HUGE milestone, as is when you start to physically show (which I’ve done quite late in the game it seems). But even still no milestone is really a panacea… the worry will come in ebbs and flows. Enjoy the good days, be kind to yourself on the bad days. In that regard, experiencing IF has been a wonderful teaching tool for learning to take one small step at a time and practice self-preservation however is necessary in the moment.

  11. May 5th (2012) is also the day I miscarried and I don’t think I’ll forget the date as long as I live. I’ve just found your blog now and congrats on your pregnancy! I’m 39 weeks on Wednesday and was constantly surprised in those early days by each week that went by. I think I was still checking for blood on the toilet paper at 15 weeks, so I understand the feeling of “only 12 weeks”. This may sound crazy but even now at the end I find things to worry about (is his umbilical cord still carrying the nutrients & oxygen to him properly? Is his level of amniotic fluid still okay? He hasn’t moved much today! What’s going on?? You get the idea!) The worrying never ends! I hope you manage to find some peace and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, Carolyn x

  12. I get the lack of trust in your body though I’ve not been successful at carrying a baby past seven weeks. I think one of the things I tried to do right after my miscarriage and in preparation for the next round of IVF was to look at all the things my body was doing really well and the things I knew it could do. I know it isn’t exactly the same, but I definitely understand the trust issues. Keep up the meditation and reflect on the days when you are feeling good and strong, but be kind to yourself when you aren’t as sure. I think that is all we can do.

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