8 Weeks

We still have a baby! I didn’t really doubt the fact, but that persistent little voice of doom-and-gloom is still there, albeit much quieter these days.

Baby is the size of a coffee bean. She’s measuring 7 weeks 4 days, which is 3 days behind where she should be, but the RE wasn’t worried, so I’m not either. My due date remains August 28. Heartbeat 160.

Baby or sea monkey?

Baby or sea monkey?

I thought this would be the last ultrasound and visit with my RE – that’s what I was told last week – but today I spoke to one of the other REs, and she said she wants to see me one more time. No arguments from me! The more I get to see our little sea monkey, the better. That’s all I really care about. So far, I haven’t had any concerning symptoms. I know all the dos and don’ts of pregnancy, such as what I should/shouldn’t eat, what medications I can take, what kind of exercise I can do, etc. Honestly, those things don’t concern me. I’m only worried about what we’ll find – or what we won’t find – at each appointment.

I’m way more preoccupied with what I want my blog to look like going forward. I intend to document my pregnancy, but I don’t want it to be just post after post of pregnancy updates. I want to give readers a sense of what it’s like to be pregnant after infertility and miscarriage, emotionally (at least from one woman’s perspective).

During my brief first pregnancy, I was worried about things like eating sushi and lunch meat, and doing the wrong exercises. This time, I couldn’t care less. You’d think the opposite would be true, right? You’d think that with all I’ve endured, all the money we’ve put into getting pregnant, that I’d want to follow all of the rules all of the time. Nope. In fact, it seems silly to worry about a little raw fish, the occasional turkey sub, or whether I should be doing prenatal yoga instead of the regular kind (I’m not actually doing any yoga at all, or any exercise for that matter).

Last time, I was so thrilled to finally be in the Mommy Club. I wanted to talk about pregnancy and childbirth all the time. I wanted to hear stories from other women and get the low-down on the must-have baby gear. This time, as excited as I am to be pregnant and as much as I want to shout it from the rooftops, I’m also more guarded. I want people to know and to be thrilled for us, but I don’t want them to engage me in conversation about my morning sickness or maternity leave. I don’t fit in with other pregnant women or moms in my circle of friends and family, because no one else I know in real life has been pregnant after infertility or miscarriage. I don’t know a single mom who was worried that her baby wouldn’t have a heartbeat at each appointment, yet that’s my main concern. Yes, some things – like hemorrhoids and stretch marks- are the same regardless of how you got there, but they just don’t seem worth talking about. I don’t want to talk about strollers or swaddling or co-sleeping. I want to talk about the fact that I’m still wounded from my miscarriage and still bitter that so many women take getting pregnant and staying pregnant for granted. I want to talk about how getting pregnant does not cure infertility by any means.

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38 thoughts on “8 Weeks

  1. Hi there little bean!! So happy everything is going well. I am also struggling with what to write about in my blog now and still don’t feel comfortable with talking about me being pregnant so I really look forward to your future posts ❤

  2. I wouldn’t blame you if you became one of those obnoxious fertile people when they are pregnant (just kidding). It’s so important for you to do what you are planning on doing for future infertile women who get pregnant. I think a lot of people think that getting pregnant erases the pain that comes with infertility when in reality it becomes just as difficult during the pregnancy.

    I really admire your courage and honesty. Best wishes to you and your husband.

  3. I love to see updates on your little bean, I also love that you’re already calling it a girl, lol. I hope your little bean gets bigger and bigger and you have a little baby in your arms in August! I completely hear what you’re saying about being guarded, how could you not be after the heartache you endured?!? Continually thinking of you guys, hope everything turns out perfectly this time around!

    • I’m not a fan of “it” or “he/she” and I just have a feeling (which will probably turn out to be wrong, because that’s how I work) that this one will be a girl.

  4. So very glad for you that things continue to go well! And I definitely will still be following to get all the updates, hopefully someday I will be in the same situation of pregnancy after infertility 🙂

  5. I am also looking forward to the future posts as well. Reading this post, I (even though I’m not pregnant again.. yet) I can truly relate to so much of this- pregnancy is not the same for you as it is for the other fertile people you know in your life.. I want you to know that when I saw that healthy little bean pop up on my feed, I clicked right away because I often think about you.. you are hope for the rest of us. Hugs friend..

  6. This is so exciting! As a very newly pregnant infertile after a miscarriage, I am hoping that I get to where you are at. I am trying to enjoy the moments of pregnancy but I can’t help but imagine what it will be like to go and get ultrasounds each week, praying and hoping that the heartbeat continues. I love your posts about pregnancy after infertility and miscarriage, they give me lots of hope!!! Please keep them up! Many hugs to you and your beautiful little sea monkey! XXXX

  7. Congrats on a healthy bean! It is so comforting to read your words and know that others feel the same way as I do (Although I’m sorry any of us have to feel that way!). When I tell people how nervous I am about my appointments, they don’t understand. They just say how excited I should be! Instead, I am holding my breath waiting to hear that heartbeat because I have convinced myself that it won’t be there. I hope that you find the support you need and are able to enjoy this special time of your life.

  8. Totally get it. For a while it was easy not to talk about it because I wasn’t showing, then I *was* showing but in that awkward, “did she eat too much for lunch….?” way. Now i’m 38 weeks (holy shit balls) and people cannot.stop.commenting. Random people on the street. Checkout people at the store. And of course everyone in my office. It makes me feel defensive and anxious and sort of angry, although I don’t know why. If you figure out a good way to interact with people about your pregnancy, let me know.

    • I’ve never liked having attention on me, so I can understand feeling defensive and anxious with everyone making a big deal out of your pregnancy. I’m sure I’ll feel the same way!

  9. I agree especially with the last sentence 100 percent!!! People don’t realize that. even people who are going through infertility don’t realize that. its not till after you become pregnant that you realize that you’re infertility is still not cured

  10. That is most excellent news! Well done and congrats! After suffering from recurring miscarriages and infertility for 4 years, I know that no woman forgets about that pain or past. They think about it every day and every second. I
    don’t see why a pregnant woman who has been infertile or suffered in past cannot go onto enjoy her pregnancy like every other pregnant woman. Of course, they don’t forget.
    Try to let some of the past go, the negativity and anxiety might not help you and your baby if you are constantly thinking and writing on your blog about the time gone before.
    Easier said than done, I know. But, it will give so many other women like you encouragement that good times can and will happen! Looking forward to reading your blog.

  11. Congrats on a great looking coffee bean! While I haven’t gone through a miscarriage, I can understand how you feel about how nervous you are at the u/s until you see a heartbeat. It’s still the one thing that makes me so nervous. I don’t relax until I see them move or the little flicker! For me it was even hard until I started showing because it just didn’t feel real. Even now, when I see my little bump, I am surprised…like holy crap, it really worked! I am hoping once I feel the girls it will get easier. I can’t wait to follow your journey!

  12. So glad for the good news update. Hooray!

    Experience sure shapes us. I cannot imagine having an ultrasound after having found out I’m pregnant and not worrying about whether there will be a heartbeat. I’m so sorry this is your framework too, but so grateful that you keep seeing that beating heart and will have another opportunity to do so soon. Wishing you all the best.

  13. What a beautiful little sea monkey!!! I’m so glad to hear things are continuing to go well. Sounds like the start of a boring, regular person pregnancy to me. The very best kind 🙂
    Blogging has helped me a lot during this pregnancy. I could get a lot of my worries and negativity out through writing, and maybe focus a little less on them in real life. I really, really wish there was a support group I could have attended for women who are pregnant after IF or loss. I don’t know anyone in my position IRL right now, and I find it hard to talk to “normal” pregnant women or mothers about my experience with pregnancy. The conversation always starts off normal– talking about symptoms or daycare plans or baby gear– but something is inevitably said that reminds me how different we really are in our thinking.
    Anyway…. so happy for you. I look forward to reading along through your pregnancy!

    • I certainly hope this is a boring pregnancy!
      I was just thinking about our local Resolve IF support group. I only attended once, but I know a few have gone on to get pregnant. I wonder if they still keep in touch with each other or have started their own group.

  14. It is definitely a unique experience being pregnant after infertility. I don’t know how to even begin, there are so many different aspects to it that have struck me along the way – from feeling like an imposter with one foot in each world (IF and pregnancy), to the different experience going to the doctor compared with an RE… I personally have been dealing with so many mixed feelings and it’s so hard not to get down on myself for feeling fearful and angsty. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll do a better job expressing these things than I could. I wish I was more of a writer sometimes. I’m looking forward to hearing your perspective. I don’t know anyone IRL if this situation, but would love to talk about it with someone that could relate.

    • You seem like a fine writer to me! You should try blogging or at least journalling. I have a ton of mixed feelings, too, to the point where I sound like I’m totally contradicting myself. But it helps to get it all out. Any time you want to talk, feel free to email me.

  15. I found your blog only recently. I’ve been trying with IVF/ICSI for 6 years now. I got pregnant in 2010 but had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks. When I found your blog I was thrilled to see we were nearly at the same stage of a fertility cycle. Unfortunately at 8 weeks and a bit a missed miscarriage has just been confirmed and I go for a d&c on Monday. I like to peek at your blog and feel happy that you beat the odds! Even as I grieve my miscarriage and wonder what my reproductive future will be, I am joyful for your happiness.

    • I’m so sorry for your losses. It means so much to me that you can read my story and feel happy for me. I know how hard that can be. I don’t feel like I’ve beaten the odds yet. I cherish every week my baby is still with me, but I don’t know when or if I’ll ever feel like we finally won this time.
      I hope your recovery goes quickly. ((hugs))

  16. I can see myself writing similar words in, hopefully, 12 weeks’ time. I actually do know women who’ve gone on to have healthy kiddos after loss, and have felt that there comes a point when the joy of those kiddos erases the pain of loss. For most of those people, anyway. There are a few who never forgot their losses. Either way, I celebrate your milestones, love! xo

    • Lauren, I KNOW it will happen for you, and when it does, I’m going to celebrate so hard!
      My cousin’s wife never had a miscarriage, but she did suffer with infertility for years and had at least one adoption fall through. When they finally adopted their daughter, she told me that all her pain just disappeared. I didn’t believe her at the time – in fact, I was rather upset by those words – but I can see how that might be true for some.

  17. Lovely news, brilliant. Totally agree, my pregnancy has absolutely not cured my infertility and I’m constantly both paranoid and reminded of how I’m different to other pregnant women.

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