We still have a baby! I didn’t really doubt the fact, but that persistent little voice of doom-and-gloom is still there, albeit much quieter these days.
Baby is the size of a coffee bean. She’s measuring 7 weeks 4 days, which is 3 days behind where she should be, but the RE wasn’t worried, so I’m not either. My due date remains August 28. Heartbeat 160.
I thought this would be the last ultrasound and visit with my RE – that’s what I was told last week – but today I spoke to one of the other REs, and she said she wants to see me one more time. No arguments from me! The more I get to see our little sea monkey, the better. That’s all I really care about. So far, I haven’t had any concerning symptoms. I know all the dos and don’ts of pregnancy, such as what I should/shouldn’t eat, what medications I can take, what kind of exercise I can do, etc. Honestly, those things don’t concern me. I’m only worried about what we’ll find – or what we won’t find – at each appointment.
I’m way more preoccupied with what I want my blog to look like going forward. I intend to document my pregnancy, but I don’t want it to be just post after post of pregnancy updates. I want to give readers a sense of what it’s like to be pregnant after infertility and miscarriage, emotionally (at least from one woman’s perspective).
During my brief first pregnancy, I was worried about things like eating sushi and lunch meat, and doing the wrong exercises. This time, I couldn’t care less. You’d think the opposite would be true, right? You’d think that with all I’ve endured, all the money we’ve put into getting pregnant, that I’d want to follow all of the rules all of the time. Nope. In fact, it seems silly to worry about a little raw fish, the occasional turkey sub, or whether I should be doing prenatal yoga instead of the regular kind (I’m not actually doing any yoga at all, or any exercise for that matter).
Last time, I was so thrilled to finally be in the Mommy Club. I wanted to talk about pregnancy and childbirth all the time. I wanted to hear stories from other women and get the low-down on the must-have baby gear. This time, as excited as I am to be pregnant and as much as I want to shout it from the rooftops, I’m also more guarded. I want people to know and to be thrilled for us, but I don’t want them to engage me in conversation about my morning sickness or maternity leave. I don’t fit in with other pregnant women or moms in my circle of friends and family, because no one else I know in real life has been pregnant after infertility or miscarriage. I don’t know a single mom who was worried that her baby wouldn’t have a heartbeat at each appointment, yet that’s my main concern. Yes, some things – like hemorrhoids and stretch marks- are the same regardless of how you got there, but they just don’t seem worth talking about. I don’t want to talk about strollers or swaddling or co-sleeping. I want to talk about the fact that I’m still wounded from my miscarriage and still bitter that so many women take getting pregnant and staying pregnant for granted. I want to talk about how getting pregnant does not cure infertility by any means.