I know I promised to try to be positive about this pregnancy, but it’s impossible turning off the bitter infertile screaming in my brain. Every time I mention one of my symptoms, a voice in my head says Boy, are you going to feel stupid for talking about symptoms when you find out there’s no baby in there. Or when I think about buying a belly band or maternity pants, the voice says Don’t bother, silly girl, you’re not going to need them. Ever.
What bothers me the most is that it’s my voice. (Of course it is! If it were anyone else’s voice, I’d have a far bigger problem.) So, I should be able to shut it up, right? The $64,000 question is How? Or maybe it’s Do I really want to shut it up?
I’m still very much jaded by miscarriage and infertility. How can I trust that this pregnancy can and will end with a baby in my arms when the last one didn’t? It’s not about trusting my body. My body knows how to be pregnant and to stay pregnant. That much was evident when my body refused to give up the empty sac last time, and I had to force it out with medication.
This is about not trusting that life is finally cutting us a break. It’s like Charlie Brown and that damn football. Eventually, I become the fool for trusting that it’s going to work out, even though time and again I’ve landed on my ass. How many times do I let that mean bitch (Life) convince me that this time things will work out in my favor? Outsiders like to tell the infertile to never give up, to keep the hope alive. But would they say the same to ol’ Charlie? Keep your chin up, Charlie Brown! One of these days she’s going to let you kick that ball!
No! You tell Charlie to remove his head from his ass, and tell Lucy to shove that football where the sun don’t shine. Who doesn’t believe that Charlie Brown is a damn fool for being tricked time and again?
I guess what I’m trying to say (not very eloquently) is that I’m not ready to take down my guard and trust that I’m finally going to kick that football. Maybe there’s a chance, but I’m not ready to start running towards it yet.