Charlie Brown Was a Fool

I know I promised to try to be positive about this pregnancy, but it’s impossible turning off the bitter infertile screaming in my brain. Every time I mention one of my symptoms, a voice in my head says Boy, are you going to feel stupid for talking about symptoms when you find out there’s no baby in there. Or when I think about buying a belly band or maternity pants, the voice says Don’t bother, silly girl, you’re not going to need them. Ever. 

What bothers me the most is that it’s my voice. (Of course it is! If it were anyone else’s voice, I’d have a far bigger problem.) So, I should be able to shut it up, right? The $64,000 question is How? Or maybe it’s Do I really want to shut it up? 

I’m still very much jaded by miscarriage and infertility. How can I trust that this pregnancy can and will end with a baby in my arms when the last one didn’t? It’s not about trusting my body. My body knows how to be pregnant and to stay pregnant. That much was evident when my body refused to give up the empty sac last time, and I had to force it out with medication.

This is about not trusting that life is finally cutting us a break. It’s like Charlie Brown and that damn football. Eventually, I become the fool for trusting that it’s going to work out, even though time and again I’ve landed on my ass. How many times do I let that mean bitch (Life) convince me that this time things will work out in my favor? Outsiders like to tell the infertile to never give up, to keep the hope alive. But would they say the same to ol’ Charlie? Keep your chin up, Charlie Brown! One of these days she’s going to let you kick that ball! 

No! You tell Charlie to remove his head from his ass, and tell Lucy to shove that football where the sun don’t shine. Who doesn’t believe that Charlie Brown is a damn fool for being tricked time and again?

I guess what I’m trying to say (not very eloquently) is that I’m not ready to take down my guard and trust that I’m finally going to kick that football. Maybe there’s a chance, but I’m not ready to start running towards it yet.


photo credit: niallkennedy via photopin cc


30 thoughts on “Charlie Brown Was a Fool

  1. Girl, I know exactly where you’re coming from. While I haven’t suffered a miscarriage myself, I’ve seen so many ladies go through them that I know it’s a very real possibility for anyone which makes it hard to get attached and excited about this pregnancy. It’s a hard emotion to deal with because I know so many ladies would die to be in my position, so I feel guilty that I’m not all sunshine and roses about it, but I’m so very scared about things going wrong. Just another moment and emotion IF has stolen from us.

    I hope so much that your next ultrasound goes well and you’re able to let a little excitement in about this pregnancy.

    • Yes, I feel guilty, too! Everyone around me just assumes that I’m having a baby at the end of this, even though they know I had a miscarriage in the past. I feel bad that I can’t match their excitement, at least not yet.

  2. I know I have said it before but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I got my BFP 2 weeks and one day ago and have only said “I’m pregnant” out loud twice and it was that day. I am no where close to letting my guard down. Maybe I will feel a little differently if things go ok next week but only time will tell. I am thinking about you!! xoxo

    • I’ve said it out loud to myself a few times, in an attempt to convince myself that it’s true. 🙂 I hate that my feelings about this depend on the results of each ultrasound. Good luck to you next week!

  3. Yes I totally get that. I don’t believe I could be so lucky as for a pregnancy to result in an actual baby. It comes so easy to other people but I’ll always be infertile in my head.

  4. Welcome to a looong road to baby. As I’ve learned, getting pregnant is just the beginning. We battled infertility for years and at the time it seemed like the highest mountain. Now when I look down at my belly at 27 weeks, I still don’t believe it’s real and will actually result in a baby. Perhaps once he is here, all the joy we are missing on now will come flooding in. We shall see. Hugs!!

    • I keep telling myself that my feelings will change after I see a heartbeat, or once I’m well into second tri (since I only made it to 12 weeks the first time). Good to know I’m not alone! Wishing you the best!

  5. Having been through a miscarriage and two years of trying without a bfp, I know exactly how you feel. To this day, at 27-weeks pregnant, I still am afraid to get my hopes up too much! Isn’t that silly? Baby is due in 3 months and I’m still haunted by fear of the past. BUT after watching my grandfather die over Christmas, I truly was reminded how precious and short life is. Since then I’m trying my best to be “in the moment” and to enjoy each stage, whether that stage is filled with worry or not! In other words, it’s okay to be afraid, but it’s also okay to be a little excited too!

    • I have my moments of being “in the moment,” but they are fleeting. I’m so sorry about your grandfather. That’s really tough, especially around the holidays. My grandma died just before Thanksgiving 16 years ago, and I still think about how things just haven’t been the same in our family since then. Not bad, but just not the same.

  6. I’m so sorry for your losses and the fear they have instilled. I’m going to walk out on a proverbial limb, however, and urge you gently to consider talking to or in some other way communications your love and longing to those sacs and the babies we all want you to find in them next go around with the sonograph. Even if this doesn’t work out it would be such a shame not to let the spirits of those little souls how much you want and love them.

    I’ve had enough losses and one ultimately successful pregnancy to know that for me, the pain of loss is not lessened when I am detached. For me, that pain is worse because I feel I robbed the little soul of the reassurance that she of he was loved and wanted while inside me.

    This is part of naming our embryo recently – I need to personify so I can connect and encourage. Even if this fails, I will not regret withholding my love.

    Because of course you love these babies. You are their mother. No matter what happens, that will always be true. So do what you need to. You know best.

    You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Hoping that your ultrasound in two days will begin to help ease your doubt and move you one step closer to enjoy this pregnancy more. Thinking of you friend. 🙂

  8. I think that it is understandable to have the feelings you feel. I hope you can feel more peace with this pregnancy and hope that you will be able to enjoy it some. Sending you a hug.

  9. I can’t imagine how hard it is to stay positive right now, but we’re all thinking positive thoughts for you and hoping for good news at your upcoming u/s. Hugs.

  10. This is totally understandable, you’ve been through so much hurt of course you want to protect your heart. So in that case I will be doing all the hoping and positivity for you! You WILL have your take home baby, this IS going to happen, that bitch life IS going to give you a break this time! Xx

  11. Your lines, “My body knows how to be pregnant and to stay pregnant. That much was evident when my body refused to give up the empty sac last time, and I had to force it out with medication.”, is *exactly* what I keep telling myself. If I can get pregnant with a healthy baby, it’ll all be alright… I hope that is the voice in our heads that drown out all others. Thinking of you x

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