In case you don’t want to read this long, rambling post, we got 9 eggs yesterday. I’m still waiting for a call on how many fertilized.
As I said in my last post, I’m kicking myself for deciding to do IVF in December. I should have known better. But I was so desperate to start this process, to get pregnant as soon as possible. To my credit, you really never know what the weather is going to be like in any given week in the winter, so there was a pretty good chance at clear skies and clear roads.
The storm that started on Monday, when I made the trek to my final monitoring appointment, ended Wednesday afternoon. My retrieval was scheduled for Thursday morning, though, so we had to brave the weather once again to make sure we would be on time. The roads were much better this time, but it was still a bit stressful for me with the wind blowing hard. M was cool as a cucumber.
After we arrived in town, we immediately stuffed our faces with sushi. During the meal, I said something about driving back for the transfer, with the assumption that M would be coming with for that trip. From the beginning, I’ve been telling him the only two days he needed to be there were for the retrieval and transfer. Well, M tells a different story. He thought I knew that these last two days – the retrieval and the day before – were the last he could take off from work without putting his job in jeopardy (which is a total exaggeration; we’ll get to that later). He thought that since my mom was going to stay with me after the transfer, that meant he didn’t need to go.
In true Kitten style, I got quiet and I must have looked upset, because M started to get defensive and upset, saying that he has no choice, he can’t take off any more time. I kept saying it was fine, we would talk to the clinic, but I was upset at how upset he was getting, which he interpreted as upset about the fact that he wasn’t going to be there for the transfer. Follow me?
Anyway, we got through lunch, but we were both still anxious and upset. The next morning – the morning of the retrieval – we had another misunderstanding about when we would leave for the clinic. I know. So stupid. He shut down, like he usually does, and I cried and yelled at him that he wasn’t allowed to act this way with me, not right now.
I managed to calm down before the retrieval, which went off without a hitch. We got 9 eggs! By the end, we were on speaking terms, but we never talked about what happened. I’m not sure we ever will.
We also never really sorted out what will happen with the transfer, either. I tried to tell him that I am truly okay with him not being there, that I would rather he not stress out about his job. But he seemed determined to get the extra time off. At this point, it seems to me just sheer stubbornness.
And just to be clear, his job is not even remotely in jeopardy if he asks for extra time off. He’s the best employee they have. That’s not an exaggeration. His job is based on production, and by the numbers, he and his coworkers aren’t even on the same planet. And it’s not as if he’s just calling in sick all the time. He has explained why he needs the time off. Plus, they never fire anyone. Still, he’s stuck on the idea that they could fire him, make an example of him. In reality, the worst that might happen is his supervisors give him attitude.
So, now I’m waiting for a phone call from the clinic to see how many of our 9 eggs fertilized, but I’m more nervous about how things are going for M at work. I don’t want him to go in to his boss’s office on the defensive and say something that really would put him in a bad position.
I hate that infertility has taken such a toll on us, on our marriage. I know we need to work harder on communicating with each other and expressing our love and gratitude for one another. I can’t speak for M, but for me, it feels like I’ve been in survival mode for much of our marriage. First it was the miscarriage, just 6 months after we got married. Then the stress of not getting pregnant again, all the tests, all the treatments. Whatever happens with this whole IVF thing, our next priority has to be our marriage.
Hopefully this didn’t bum you out too much. I really am excited about our 9 eggs!