It’s What They Call “Bittersweet”

When pleasure mingles with pain or regret, you get bittersweet. That’s what today is. If I hadn’t miscarried our first baby, we would celebrating her 2nd birthday around this time, along with our 3rd wedding anniversary. Did I ever mention that our anniversary and my due date were one and the same? Instead of a double-dose of joy, I’m fighting grief and losing the battle. I wish I could compartmentalize better, put my sadness away in a box while we celebrate us, but it’s impossible. Our baby was part of us – made up of us – and when she died, a part of us died, too.

It’s gotten easier over time, that much I can say. But it still hurts. It still feels so incredibly unfair.

In a couple of days, I have my baseline appointment for our first IVF cycle. I think I’ll let myself be sad until then, but once we get started, I want to focus on staying optimistic and happy. I owe it to our potential future baby to open my heart to her (or him, but if I’m honest, I’m feeling a girl again). I will never forget my first baby, but I don’t want my sadness for her loss to be a cloud over future pregnancies.

Sunshine-through-clouds-1024x680

Photo used with permission from Karen at Ocean Soul.

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19 thoughts on “It’s What They Call “Bittersweet”

  1. I am thinking of you and your sweet baby as you pass three years. It’s so hard to think about all the might-have-beens, like birthdays…But this is beautiful, as a testament to your love for each other, and for you baby: ‘Our baby was part of us – made up of us – and when she died, a part of us died, too.’

    I am so hopeful for you as you embark on this IVF cycle. No doubt the excitement will soon set it.

  2. love & good thoughts go out to you for your first baseline app soon. thank you for your blog! this sounds silly! but what about a funny movie? 🙂 an old fav to cheer ya on!! xo before the app!

  3. Keep looking to the sunshine…it will light the way for your next child and she will see the special place in your heart that you already made for her big sister and she will know how much love is waiting for her! Wishing and praying you all the best!

  4. That’s so hard, to have those anniversaries back to back like that. Good luck in your IVF cycle. I think there is something so hopeful about starting a cycle, to think about what good things could lie ahead.

  5. Pingback: Feeling Like a Fraud | Yet Another Bitter Infertile

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