When pleasure mingles with pain or regret, you get bittersweet. That’s what today is. If I hadn’t miscarried our first baby, we would celebrating her 2nd birthday around this time, along with our 3rd wedding anniversary. Did I ever mention that our anniversary and my due date were one and the same? Instead of a double-dose of joy, I’m fighting grief and losing the battle. I wish I could compartmentalize better, put my sadness away in a box while we celebrate us, but it’s impossible. Our baby was part of us – made up of us – and when she died, a part of us died, too.
It’s gotten easier over time, that much I can say. But it still hurts. It still feels so incredibly unfair.
In a couple of days, I have my baseline appointment for our first IVF cycle. I think I’ll let myself be sad until then, but once we get started, I want to focus on staying optimistic and happy. I owe it to our potential future baby to open my heart to her (or him, but if I’m honest, I’m feeling a girl again). I will never forget my first baby, but I don’t want my sadness for her loss to be a cloud over future pregnancies.
Photo used with permission from Karen at Ocean Soul.