This is the point in my cycle – the beginning, after miserly old Aunt Flo has started to make her exit – when I’m supposed to be the most optimistic, the most – dare I say – hopeful. Evidently, a 5-month break from the roller coaster of treatment cycles has left my poor emotions all confused.

The moment I stepped in line at the hospital to check in for my cycle day 3 ultrasound, lab work, and clinic appointments, I started to feel the old anxiety creeping in. The receptionist perked up when she saw me. “Long time, no see!”

I can’t do this again. I can’t become a regular again. This has to work the first time. They better not try to convince me to do more than one IUI. But I don’t want to do IVF, either. I just want a baby. What’s so hard about that? Why hasn’t someone just dropped a baby in my arms already? That lady has more than she can handle, and I don’t have even one. This is so unfair.

And so my thoughts continued in the same vein as I journeyed through the hospital from the ultrasound room, to the clinic, to the lab. Waiting for the ultrasound tech, with my ass in the air and my lady business hanging in the breeze (despite the sheet), was the worst. I stared at the ceiling and remembered the day I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant, the day we did not get to see a baby or heartbeat on the screen, the day we left confused and in limbo instead of giddy and planning our baby registry. How could that be more than 2 years ago already? Then the tech came in, the Very Pregnant tech. Great.

Luckily, I managed to make it through the rest of the morning without running into another baby bump, but the emotions associated with my miscarriage and all those failed treatment cycles were still bubbling just under the surface. Even though I had a nice, long break, this is not at all like starting over. It’s… an unpause. Even though I’m trying something new – my first IUI – I do not have the same optimism I did when I first started medicated cycles. I’m jaded. I’m bitter. I’m wondering how much more I can take.

I know that sounds melodramatic. And it is. I’ve barely scraped the surface of infertility treatments, and I’m already thinking this might be too much? Well, I never claimed to be strong.

4 thoughts on “Unpause

  1. I’m sorry. I’ll be in your shoes at the end of this month. Took a 4 month break from IVF. It’s like you’re afraid to be positive, but also worried you’re being too negative. It’s so hard.

  2. I keep feeling guilty that I’m not more excited that we’re finally moving forward with IVF…But really? What we should *actually* be getting excited about is that baby that, as you say, just drops in our arms. It sucks that we don’t get to have things that way. You’re not being melodramatic, and you’re already stronger than you think. This is all so hard, and so exhausting. Big hug.

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