On the Edge

Once again, I find myself in a limbo of sorts. I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant, but I still have somewhere between a few days and a week before I’ll know for sure. Stupid me tested this morning at 11 dpo (way early, I know, but I’m into self-torture). Negative, obviously. Saturday’s test will be more definitive. That’s when I’ll stop the progesterone that I decided to take, even though this was supposed to be a non-medicated cycle. (I just can’t stand spotting for a week before my period.)

My original plan was to do my first IUI next cycle, but with this whole tonsillectomy thing looming, I think it might be best to wait. Or move the surgery date. Or both. I just don’t want to lose more cycles. If I had my shit together months ago, I would have been able to schedule the surgery to coincide with our planned break cycles. I know that in the grand scheme of things, taking a few cycles off probably doesn’t make much of a difference, but, at this moment in time, it feels like a very big deal. Every month I don’t get pregnant, my endometriosis gets worse. It’s entirely possible that it might get so bad that it damages one or both of my ovaries, making it difficult to ovulate or even retrieve eggs for an IVF cycle. Plus, if I postpone for too long, we may end up doing IVF in the winter, which is far from ideal, when you have to travel 200 miles for appointments in North Dakota. We can’t afford to scrap an IVF cycle because of a snow storm.

So, here I am, wondering if my frail emotional state is PMS, pregnancy, the awful dreary weather, or simply the toll of infertility. I feel like the smallest thing might set off a break down. My usually abundant patience is almost nonexistent. I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandmother. She died in 1998, but I still miss her so much it hurts. I’m drawn to drive by my grandparents’ old house, but I know it will only make me even more sad. But, since I’m into torturing myself at the moment, I’ll probably take a detour on my way home from work. I won’t be surprised if the current owner calls the cops about the lady crying hysterically in her car across the street.

UPDATE: As I was writing this, my ENT called to reschedule my surgery for a week earlier than originally planned, which means no IUI for next cycle, as the surgery would be just days after insemination. So, here’s to another cycle down the drain.

7 thoughts on “On the Edge

  1. Hope you feel better soon! I had never thought about having to worry about snow storm as a possible obstacle for IVF.. It’s crazy you have to worry about the climate too!

  2. Hang in there, lady. I totally get how huge it feels to miss even one cycle, but it’s like the oxygen mask analogy. You have to take care of yourself before you can possibly take care of anyone else. Just imagine–in the times to come when you’re desperate for sleep because of your newborn baby–how much better that sleep will be for both you and your husband without those tonsils getting in the way! Having surgery now might be the best thing you can do for your sanity later on.

  3. It so frustrating when schedules get changed and feel out of your control. When I had to take a cycle off of actively TTC for an endometrial biopsy I tried to think of it as a preparation cycle to get all tanked up and ready for the next cycle (it helped a little bit). Being from the South…the snow storm thing would definitely influence my scheduling plans.

  4. Pingback: Nephews and Aunts | Yet Another Bitter Infertile

  5. Sending you understanding and compassion from the southern hemisphere. I’m new to this infertility thing and it hurts so much. I often drive past my grandparents house too and wish they could soothe me and hold me. I feel so alone but knowing others are out there helps.

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