Two years ago today, we got the news that forever changed us: Our baby had no heartbeat.
Having a miscarriage is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, to us. I’ve healed a lot over the last two years, but I still carry a great deal of resentment, anger, and sadness. I still get lost in should fantasies: I should have an 18-month-old baby. We should be thinking about trying for another one soon.
When I drive to the gym after work, I sometimes fantasize that I’m on my way to pick up my little one from daycare. She would be so happy to see me! I’d scoop her up and plant a dozen kisses on her chubby face while she squeals and snuggles into my chest. When we get home, her dad would do the same, except she would grab his beard with both hands and giggle when he pretends it hurts. The house would be a disaster area, toys everywhere and dirty dishes piled in the sink, but we wouldn’t care, because spending time together as a family would be more important than cleaning up every day.
I know real life wouldn’t be that way, at least not every day. I know we would have our fair share of bad days. I would gladly embrace every single bad day if it meant I would never know the pain of losing my baby. I would, in a heartbeat, exchange these past two years of heartache and infertility for the most difficult delivery, longest recovery, fussiest baby you can imagine.
I’ve learned a lot about myself these past two years, about my strengths and weaknesses. I lived through the worst experience of my life, and not only am I still standing, I’m a stronger, better person than I was before. But, if I could, I would trade all that to go back in time and have a healthy baby.
This isn’t to say I’m not grateful for all the wonderful things in my life right now. I am, but I have to work at it. Losing a baby left a giant hole in my heart. Infertility hardened it. Perhaps one day, it will soften again and that hole will close a little. Or maybe I’ll live out my days always resenting the hand I was dealt. I suppose it’s up to me.
Anyone know where I can get a magic wand?