Picking Up the Pieces

After Wednesday’s meltdown into anger and ugly crying, it’s time to reassess my state of mental health. I thought I had been doing okay. I thought the breakdown was just a bad day brought on by a negative pregnancy test and made worse by a series of unfortunately-timed conversations about babies and yet another pregnancy announcement. But I think it’s deeper than that.

I thought about going back to therapy, but, honestly, the idea of all that talking and crying does not appeal to me at the moment. Instead, I’ve decided to use Keiko Zoll’s Go With the FLOW: The Fertile Living Outline Workbook to help me regain my well being.

To quote the workbook: “So what does Fertile Living really mean? It’s not just about preparing the way for pregnancy or parenthood. It’s about cultivating growth in your life. It’s about creating abundance…. Living a fertile life means focusing and enriching aspects of your life until you find fulfillment, meaning and abundance.” The workbook explores 6 “Fertile Facets” and helps you create a blueprint to map out precisely how you will strengthen each one of those facets. Throughout the workbook, there are opportunities to reflect and write. I plan to turn those sections into a series of blog posts to record my thoughts and work through whatever issues come up.

The first asks me to identify which of the 6 “Fertile Facets” resonate the most with where I am in my infertility journey at this moment: Connection, Exploration, Movement, Nourishment, Creation, and Balance. Right away, Connection stands out to me the most. I feel disconnected from my friends and family, including my husband. I hold my emotions close (except for here, Twitter, and my support group), so they don’t know just how deep infertility has cut me. I feel disconnected from pretty much everyone who has not experienced infertility.

Nourishment is another. Ever since my miscarriage nearly 2 years ago, I haven’t nourished myself very well, physically or spiritually. Two years! That’s way too long. I used to love going to museums, learning new things like knitting and playing guitar, reading, and spending time with family. In the early days after my miscarriage, I gave myself a pass on all of it. I was in survival mode. Same with the whole infertility thing. Now, however, I’m having a hard time getting back in the habit of doing those things on a regular basis. It takes effort–it never used to be that way. I’ve never been what I would call “fit,” but just before my miscarriage, I had lost about 20 pounds and was exercising regularly. While I have been going to the gym on and off for the past year, it’s not nearly enough, and my diet has been horrible. I know I need to be gentle with myself, but there’s a fine line between being gentle and finally saying Enough is enough. 

In the next post of the series, I’ll expand on Connection and create a blueprint for fostering more connection in my life. After that, I’ll tackle Nourishment, then each of the other categories. I hope to do one each week.

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7 thoughts on “Picking Up the Pieces

  1. That workbook sounds really awesome, maybe I will try it! At the very least, I look forward to reading the posts that come out of it for you. I’m sorry you’re not in the best place right now. Hopefully this will be really useful to you and will help you find your happiness.

  2. I’m so glad you’ve gotten your copy of my eBook! I can’t wait to see what you think of it once you work through it. Happy to answer questions. It sounds like you’re in the right place for this workbook. *hug*

  3. That sounds like a really great resource and I’ll be very interested to follow along and support your journey.

    I can totally relate on the feeling of disconnection (much of which has been intentional on my part, some of which has come from people fading away as times got tough). Also, I think until someone’s been through it themselves it’s very hard to imagine how lasting and intense the grief over miscarriage is. It shocked even me at first. My first loss was almost three years ago and only now am I in a place where I feel emotionally healthy enough to examine some of those intense feelings and keep them in a place where they aren’t influencing my everyday life. You’ll get there.

    I think that being gentle with yourself while self-nurturing and nourishing your body can be such a vital step. Focusing more on my general health, diet, exercise has helped me stay sane and continue to heal. I just want to say that what you’re feeling is normal and I’m ready to support you in whatever way I can.

  4. Yep I was an hurt bunny today, 8 MC’s 46 years old doing embryo adoption in Spain… I live in a close knit village, someone else has got to 5 months pregnant, I didn’t realise, felt stupid at a social event… Everyone knows about me as I had a late MC after we thought we were safe at 3 months to say.. He is sadly buried in the church yard… I could scream, every test possible and now having to go abroad, adoption is so difficult and anyway I want my own baby… People just don’t get it..
    I was widowed in my last marriage and remarried at 38 so yes I left it late, but not on purpose. I’m glad for the rant here. I came home from that event almost in tears, picked up my dog and hugged and hugged him, he was most understanding! Hubby subdued poor man. I can’t cry properly anymore accept for sad films! Anyway yes I understand the pain, and I’ve two more attempts before we stop… It’s all written in a contract! Very weird…

  5. I know how all this feels. Everyone tells me that feeling bad is such a drain, and it is, but just trying to make myself feel good for at least an hour out of the day is a hell of a lot of work too.

  6. Wow, it’s like you’re in my head, reading my mind and feelings. I’m so sorry that you feel this way, it sucks, it’s lonely and it’s mentally deteriorating. I look forward to reading about your journey and future blogs.

  7. Pingback: FLOW: Connection | Yet Another Bitter Infertile

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