After Wednesday’s meltdown into anger and ugly crying, it’s time to reassess my state of mental health. I thought I had been doing okay. I thought the breakdown was just a bad day brought on by a negative pregnancy test and made worse by a series of unfortunately-timed conversations about babies and yet another pregnancy announcement. But I think it’s deeper than that.
I thought about going back to therapy, but, honestly, the idea of all that talking and crying does not appeal to me at the moment. Instead, I’ve decided to use Keiko Zoll’s Go With the FLOW: The Fertile Living Outline Workbook to help me regain my well being.
To quote the workbook: “So what does Fertile Living really mean? It’s not just about preparing the way for pregnancy or parenthood. It’s about cultivating growth in your life. It’s about creating abundance…. Living a fertile life means focusing and enriching aspects of your life until you find fulfillment, meaning and abundance.” The workbook explores 6 “Fertile Facets” and helps you create a blueprint to map out precisely how you will strengthen each one of those facets. Throughout the workbook, there are opportunities to reflect and write. I plan to turn those sections into a series of blog posts to record my thoughts and work through whatever issues come up.
The first asks me to identify which of the 6 “Fertile Facets” resonate the most with where I am in my infertility journey at this moment: Connection, Exploration, Movement, Nourishment, Creation, and Balance. Right away, Connection stands out to me the most. I feel disconnected from my friends and family, including my husband. I hold my emotions close (except for here, Twitter, and my support group), so they don’t know just how deep infertility has cut me. I feel disconnected from pretty much everyone who has not experienced infertility.
Nourishment is another. Ever since my miscarriage nearly 2 years ago, I haven’t nourished myself very well, physically or spiritually. Two years! That’s way too long. I used to love going to museums, learning new things like knitting and playing guitar, reading, and spending time with family. In the early days after my miscarriage, I gave myself a pass on all of it. I was in survival mode. Same with the whole infertility thing. Now, however, I’m having a hard time getting back in the habit of doing those things on a regular basis. It takes effort–it never used to be that way. I’ve never been what I would call “fit,” but just before my miscarriage, I had lost about 20 pounds and was exercising regularly. While I have been going to the gym on and off for the past year, it’s not nearly enough, and my diet has been horrible. I know I need to be gentle with myself, but there’s a fine line between being gentle and finally saying Enough is enough.
In the next post of the series, I’ll expand on Connection and create a blueprint for fostering more connection in my life. After that, I’ll tackle Nourishment, then each of the other categories. I hope to do one each week.