Big Fat Failure

That’s how I feel at the moment, staring at yet another negative pregnancy test. Don’t bother telling me that I’m not a failure. I know that I’m not. I know that this is beyond my control and that it doesn’t make me any less of a woman. But, for right now, I feel like the biggest failure the world has ever seen. I can’t even think about spending time around people today, people who have so easily succeeded at this. Literally everyone that I would encounter today has reproduced. That reminds me, I need to cancel my appointment with the super-fertile chiropractor who has had 2 kids since I started trying. I’m considering skipping out on Friday night Bunco, because I can’t stand the idea of being surrounded by a dozen women talking about their kids and grandkids. Even if there is no kid talk, my failure is amplified by the mere fact that each one of them has the luxury of taking their fertility (and that of their offspring) for granted.

And then there’s fucking Mothers Day, a month from now, when yet another failed cycle will be coming to an end. Oh, and the week before that, the anniversary of my loss. Perfect fucking timing.

It’s no way to live, avoiding the world. But I just can’t do it today.

No. Today is my day to cry so hard I can’t breathe. To scream about how fucking unfair this all is. To be angry at anyone and everyone. To let my pain consume me.

22 thoughts on “Big Fat Failure

  1. OK, so I won’t tell you what you already know, but really I think it’s prefectly acceptable to be angry and hurt and just hide. In fact, I’ll be angry and hurt with you! I’m sorry this is not your month. I’m sorry we’re all here. Sending healing thoughts your way.

  2. Ugh, so sorry to hear you’re having a bad day. Hang in there. It’s totally normal to feel the way you do and to take a step back from others right now…do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel a little better. Take care.

  3. BLARG! I am so very sorry. Those damn negative tests. I so often end up looking at it again and again as if willing the line to appear will suddenly make me pregnant. I will hold it up to different light, wait another 10 minutes, do absolutely everything I can, always with the same sad result. I am so sorry you are going through this 😦

  4. It’s ok to have crappy days and to let the anger and all the negative feelings be there. I hope you can let it all out so you will soon feel better..
    “After all tomorrow is another day” (sorry, bad quote but still..)
    BIG HUG!

  5. UGHHH, I’m so sorry. I’m really feeling for you. And I totally forgot about Mother’s Day. FUCK. Let’s rename it Black Sunday and start drinking early that day.

  6. Scream, cry, break something (but not something you really like cos thats SO annoying once you’ve calmed down!) Just generally go for it xx
    PS it was mother’s day in UK last month and , my friend has renamed it mother fucker’s day…it weirdly helps! Xxx

  7. Sometimes we can deal with all this shitty stuff and be mostly OK, sometimes we have to be in that place that you are and there’s not much that you can do but wallow, feel the pain/anger/sorrow/fear and hope it passes. Sorry you’re there today. Hopefully you’ll have a cathartic release.

  8. Just When You Think Your Drowning, You Remember You Can Swim. – It’s Ok To Sink To The Bottom But Don’t Let THe Water Keep You Down. I Know How YouFeel. Express IT, Don’t Be Ashamed Of Who You Are.

  9. We are totally on the same, miserable, unsuccessful cycle. Like to the day. There’s no way around it, it sucks. So cry away – I may join you. Cheers to a stiff drink.

  10. Totally okay to have days like this. (Heck, I’ve been having one of those days for weeks.) It sucks, but we all have to protect ourselves any way we can.

  11. Thank you ALL so very much for your awesome words of support. No one else understands, not even my husband, who thinks it’s not healthy that I’m so “militant” about pregnant women and babies. I tried explaining that it comes from a place of deep pain and sadness for me–us–but I’m not sure he gets it. I know most men don’t get it, so it doesn’t upset me too much.

    • In the same boat, my husband has NO idea what I’n going through, none whatso ever. He asked me the other day if it’s that time of because I was snappy at him…”NO, just upset about yet ANOTHER hurdle I have to face”……

  12. Kitten,

    I was astounded (and admittedly a bit uncomfortable at first) with your candid expression of anger in this blog post. However, I can relate, having certainly felt intense anger at certain points during my own infertility journey. I go through other stages of grief, as well: depression, acceptance, bargaining, and denial. I wrote a poem about the latter, in fact. I call this my “Inferti-Pity Poem,” and I hope that it brings a smile to you today:

    Best wishes,
    Gina Marie

  13. Pingback: Picking Up the Pieces | Yet Another Bitter Infertile

  14. So sorry about the neg test. I think it’s totally fine to hide and avoid people until you feel better. I definitely feel the anger sometimes too. And that’s ok too. You have every right to your feelings. Big hugs.

  15. This is exactly how I felt today. I feel like shit with the third pregnancy news I get within the past few weeks. I just want to cry and sleep end this day. I know tomorrow I’ll wake up stronger. But for today I just cant stand no one

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