“Don’t you work here?” “No, I’m just infertile.”

At 6:50 this morning, I pulled into the hospital parking lot for my early morning date with Jean Luc (aka the dildo-cam, aka transvaginal ultrasound). (It just seemed wrong to continue our trysts without giving him a name.) While walking toward the entrance, I crossed paths with one of the hospital volunteers, a lovely retired woman who works at the coffee booth. She rather sternly asked, “Did you park over there?” while pointing to the parking lot behind me.

“Yes,” I said.

“That’s for patients!”

“Yes, I know.”

“Don’t you work here? I see you here all the time.”

“I’m just a frequent patient.”

“Oh,” she said apologetically. “I hope it’s not serious.”

“No. I’m just infertile.”

She walked me to the elevator, all the while telling me about how she was never able to get pregnant. I could hear the sadness in her voice, and I couldn’t help but wonder if that would be me one day. I know it sounds depressing, but it was actually quite nice to have a conversation about the realities of infertility, without hearing cliches like You need to stop trying; that’s when it will happen! I tried for 10 years, and just when I had given up, I got pregnant! No, this was different. This was a women who knows that not every story ends the way we want it to end. She wished me well and promised to say an extra prayer for me. (Usually, that bothers me, the whole prayer thing, but from her it was sweet and comforting.)

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10 thoughts on ““Don’t you work here?” “No, I’m just infertile.”

  1. You named the ultrasound “wand?” Hysterical. I should do the same, maybe it would make it less scary each time. It’s just something I’ll never get used to.
    On another note, last month as I walked into my clinic, I actually felt like I was going into work. I had my tea in my hand, was dressed for work etc. and it is starting to just feel like part of my job. Ugh. Hope this month is a good one for you.

  2. Oddly, it IS sometimes more comforting to have someone acknowledge that it doesn’t always work out the way we desperately hope it will. Perhaps that’s because it at least acknowledges the difficulties of this situation – that there’s no happy ending guaranteed for anyone.

  3. Yes, it might not be okay. I’ve tried for seven years w/ my husband, thousands and surgeries and IUIs, syringes in bellies, hoardes of prayers, acupuncture, one miscarriage–and still no baby. I have been violated by Jean Lucs as well. If nothing else, you learn humility. Let anyone prod me who feels so inclined. Once you hit 40, you start thinking, wow, my eggs are crazy cobwebby now. But Halle Berry did it. And Gena Davis. Granted, they’re millionaires. But there’s always hope.

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