In my last post, I proudly reported on several positive advancements in my ongoing effort to bring more peace and balance to my life. Well, yesterday, I suffered a small setback.
Yesterday I learned that my cousin is pregnant.
My immediate reaction to the text message from my sister (not the best way to tell an infertile, but my sister is a lovely, caring, sensitive person, so she gets a pass this time) was something along the lines of FUCK THAT SHIT! followed immediately by I’m not surprised in the least. You see, this will be number 5 for this cousin, who is 2 years younger than I am. She started when she was 16. Her daughter recently turned 3. In addition, my uterus has become a sort of divining rod over the last year. During Christmas with the family, my uterus tingled every time I was near her, so I just knew she was either harboring a fetus or soon would. (I don’t know how far along she is, so I can’t be sure if she was pregnant then.)
So, what’s the big deal? I’m supposed to be celebrating these moments, not wallowing in self-pity and bitterness, right? Believe me, I’m trying my hardest. I know I would be 100% thrilled if anyone else in the family were pregnant. (Okay… 90%.) My reasons for being upset about this one make me look like a judgemental prick, but in the interest of full disclosure and healing, here they are.
- As I said, this is child #5. (Her second son died from SIDS when he was just 4 or 5 months old, which probably makes me a Class A Dick for judging her.) Only 2 of them have the same father, which means she currently has 4 baby daddies. So, my anger and frustration is in part due to the fact that my cousin sucks at chosing men to father her babies. Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not calling slut or anything like that. I honestly don’t care how many men a woman sleeps with.
- She got all the good genes: pretty, thin, great skin, and super fertile.
- Part of me believes she gets pregnant on purpose. I have no way of knowing for sure. She would deny it, but one of the things I’ve learned dealing with infertility is that there are no truly accidental pregnancies. If you’re not preventing, you’re pretty much trying to get pregnant. Bottom line: If she wanted to prevent, she could do so successfully.
Those are the main reasons I’m sitting here, stewing in my own pot of bitter. I’m not proud of my judgemental thoughts. But I’m not going to beat myself up over them, either. I will, however, put them aside, along with the bitter feelings, and resume my peaceful path. My cousin deserves my love and support, no matter how I feel about her bad decisions, and I plan to give both freely and fully.