Okay, “sweet” may be going a bit too far, but there’s a lot less bitter flowing through these veins lately. Maybe it’s the therapy, maybe I’ve exorcised most of my emotional demons through this blog, or maybe I’m just having a good week. I’m sure it’s all of the above. Grief is full of ups and downs; I’ve just been down so long that up seems… well… too good to be true, to be honest.
I keep checking in with myself to make sure I’m not suppressing or denying negative emotions. But, honestly, I don’t think I’ve had any for a while now. I’m still disappointed about my bum ovaries, and I still worry that my backfiring uterus will forever ruin my chances of getting pregnant. But it’s feeling less and less like the end of my world if things don’t work out in the baby department.
Don’t get me wrong: I haven’t accepted that I may have a future without children. Not even close. I’m still holding out hope that I won’t ever have to accept that reality. That said, I can see myself taking that step… one day.
I still carry a good deal of bitterness, but I’m happy to say that it’s no longer front and center. You know how after a really bad dream, all those negative emotions stay with you for hours or even days? Well, this feels a bit like I’ve woken up from a bad dream, and all the awful is finally starting to dissipate. I won’t ever forget the dream or how it made me feel, but the negative feelings themselves will eventually fade away.
So, what’s a semi-bitter infertile to do? I’m not giving up or changing my blog (in case you were worried). Bitter still fits, and probably always will, at least in part. This blog will always be my therapy, but, going forward, you may see less sad and angry infertile and more reflection on the past experiences and relationships that shaped who I am. I plan to write about my relationship with my father and his suicide, my past as a believer and what I believe now, my not-so-proud post-breakup moments (get ready for some juicy confessions!)…. Things of that nature which have yet to be dealt with in a healthy manner. I’ll sprinkle in some lighter moments, too.
I’ll continue to write about my bumpy journey to conceive and my broken lady parts. If I’m lucky enough to get pregnant, I’ll write about that, too.
Basically, I’ll write about anything and everything that I need or want to let out. This is my therapy.