Holiday Sadness

"The ornaments on this tree are dedicated in memory of infants and children lost too soon."

“The ornaments on this tree are in memory of infants and children lost too soon.”

On my way to see my RE for my CD 3 appointment, I passed by this tree at the hospital. I stopped long enough to snap a picture, but I was too emotional to spend any time looking at it. On my way back, I noticed that each ornament has a child’s name hand painted on it. I am humbled and honored that the staff would take the time to honor our lost little ones in this manner.

The holiday season will always be bitter-sweet for me. Our first would have been born around Thanksgiving last year (in fact, my due date was our first wedding anniversary, November 20). This year, not only do we not have a happy one year old to spoil with sweets and presents, my womb is still empty. On my loss anniversary in May, I comforted myself with the idea that I would be pregnant by Christmas. We were just starting our fertility work-up and treatments, and all the doctors and nurses were optimistic that it would happen quickly. I knew that it might take a few cycles, but December was a long time away at that point, so we had plenty of time.

Unfortunately, we will celebrate another Christmas childless. The new year brings with it a whole new set of pregnancy markers: January 1, 2013 will mark 2 years trying to get pregnant. March 16 will be two years since I’ve seen a positive pregnancy test. May 5 will be two years since we lost our little bean. November 20 will be the second anniversary of my due date. I’d love to be pregnant again before any of those dates arrives. (Of course, January 1 is already off the table, since I will still be in the 2ww at that point.) Our medical team is once again optimistic, but I’m beginning to think it’s all an act (or mass delusion). I want to believe that each cycle will be successful, but so far, hope has brought me nothing but heartache.

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