Intuition has always eluded me. If I’m lost and have to guess which way to go, I always guess wrong. My initial impressions of people are rarely accurate, and are usually much different from someone else’s impression of the same person. I’ve never “gotten a feeling” about someone, good or bad. Worst of all, when I was pregnant, I had no idea anything was wrong with the baby.
When I went for my first prenatal appointment, just shy of 12 weeks, we found out the baby had died at around six weeks. That’s six weeks carrying around a dead baby. And I had no clue. Aren’t mothers supposed to have a connection to their children? Shouldn’t I have had some kind of intuitive clue that something wasn’t right? Despite the fact that I’ve always known I have no intuition about anything, I still expected things to be different when I got pregnant. I feel like I’m already a terrible mother for not knowing when my child was no longer living.
I’ve heard mothers tell stories about how they “got a feeling” something was wrong with their child, even though they had no reason to think that, and later found out their son or daughter was injured on the playground (or worse).
I often wonder if/when I do have a baby, will I know when he/she is in pain or sick? Will I automatically know which cry means what, or is that something I will need to learn? Will I be able to learn it, or will I always be blind to my child’s state? Is my lack of intuition somehow related to my infertility?