Intuition

Intuition has always eluded me. If I’m lost and have to guess which way to go, I always guess wrong. My initial impressions of people are rarely accurate, and are usually much different from someone else’s impression of the same person. I’ve never “gotten a feeling” about someone, good or bad. Worst of all, when I was pregnant, I had no idea anything was wrong with the baby.

When I went for my first prenatal appointment, just shy of 12 weeks, we found out the baby had died at around six weeks. That’s six weeks carrying around a dead baby. And I had no clue. Aren’t mothers supposed to have a connection to their children? Shouldn’t I have had some kind of intuitive clue that something wasn’t right? Despite the fact that I’ve always known I have no intuition about anything, I still expected things to be different when I got pregnant. I feel like I’m already a terrible mother for not knowing when my child was no longer living.

I’ve heard mothers tell stories about how they “got a feeling” something was wrong with their child, even though they had no reason to think that, and later found out their son or daughter was injured on the playground (or worse).

I often wonder if/when I do have a baby, will I know when he/she is in pain or sick? Will I automatically know which cry means what, or is that something I will need to learn? Will I be able to learn it, or will I always be blind to my child’s state? Is my lack of intuition somehow related to my infertility?

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7 thoughts on “Intuition

  1. You’re human, and even the most intuitive of humans sometimes make mistakes. (Who knows? It’s possible that even the doctor made a mistake in determining the time of death. There’s no way to “prove” that the baby died at six weeks.) I know it doesn’t make it any easier. 😦

    Virtual hugs . . .

  2. You’re definitely not alone in this. I had no idea that there was anything wrong with my own body even when I lost my baby. I had freaking pre-eclampsia and didn’t even know it. I often wonder the same thing though. I know so many people feel they have a connection like that with their kids and I just don’t think I will.

  3. Yup, I didn’t have a bloody clue. My body was cooking along with a perfectly healthy pregnancy, growing like gangbusters around a dead fetus. I tried to take hope from that – up until that point, my body had only ever rejected pregnancies, and I tried to feel good that at leave my body would be able to nurture a growing child, should a healthy one ever choose to set up shop in there. Of course, the next one was another chemical that my body apparently couldn’t sustain, so that kinda went down the crapper. Anyway, hanging in. You hang in too, ok?

  4. Pingback: Everyone Is Pregnant Except Me | Yet Another Bitter Infertile

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