Generally, I rail against anyone who thinks she is entitled to anything, be it money, attention, respect, or any number of material possessions. Most things that people claim entitlement to are things I believe you need to earn. I had never given much thought to the idea of deserving to have a family until recently. I’ve decided that I deserve to have a baby. I believe that I may be more deserving than others. Not everyone, but certainly most people. I don’t think I’m alone, either, but I’m guessing not many people care to admit it. After all, it involves judging others, which we’re taught to believe is a bad thing (I happen to disagree).
I’m not saying that other people don’t deserve to have babies at all, nor am I suggesting that less deserving people should give their babies to me or anyone else. (Well, to be honest, I do believe that some of them should.) I’m just saying that if anyone deserves a baby, it’s me. People who abuse or neglect their children, or who put them in harm’s way, do not deserve them. People who don’t necessarily abuse their children, but who belittle or ignore them, don’t deserve to have kids. People who use their kids for emotional warfare during a divorce don’t deserve them. People who have kids without regard as to how they are going to provide for basic necessities don’t deserve to have children. People who don’t appreciate how lucky they are to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies do not deserve to have them.
I – we – deserve kids. We’re good people. We’ve done everything right. Married at 33, my husband and I were among the few our age who didn’t already have several kids. We were careful, mindful that having kids outside of marriage presents challenges we weren’t ready to take on or to ask our potential children to take on. It’s not that we didn’t have ample opportunity to have children. I will admit that it crossed my mind more than once throughout my college and grad school days. I knew many single moms who were great parents, and I knew that I had a wonderful support system in my family. It wouldn’t have been easy, but I could have done it. I never did, though. I knew that it was wrong to get pregnant without my partner’s consent. As far as I’m concerned, not preventing pregnancy (by taking birth control, using condoms, or abstaining) is the same as trying to get pregnant. And trying to get pregnant without the consent of your partner is wrong. (I am aware that I’ve stated in a previous post that I wish I had been less careful when it comes to pregnancy prevention in the past. I hope you realize it was tongue-in-cheek and that I didn’t really mean that I wish I had deceived someone into getting me pregnant.)
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I’m not ashamed to admit that I do indeed believe that I deserve a baby more than some women do. I do not wish loss or infertility on anyone. That’s not what this is about. My point is, it doesn’t really matter that I deserve a baby. This whole awful journey has taught me that it’s the luck of the draw when it comes to having kids. Some people are luckier than others, whether they deserve it or not. And it’s not fair. Not fair at all. I deserve a baby.