The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I’ve been struggling with what to write about lately. I don’t want to abandon this blog, or go months without posting anything. I know at least some of you wouldn’t mind more updates on C – and believe me, I could write about her ALL day long! – but I know for others it’s triggering. At the same time, I want to be completely honest and open, as I have been through my entire journey – the good, the bad, and the ugly. But I know I’ll feel guilty for writing anything that sounds like a complaint. I know what advice I would give to me, but it’s still hard to talk about parenting after loss and infertility when many of your readers are still deeply in the trenches. That said, it’s important for me to get this out here and now. So, please, if you’re in a bad place, don’t read any further.

The Good

This is nearly everything, I will happily admit. Some highlights:

  • C is 8 months old, and on track in her development, both physical and mental/emotional. I’m amazed every day by how much she learns and remembers.
  • She is starting to look to M for comfort, more and more, even when I’m nearby.
  • She LOVES food, just like her mama!
  • She is the happiest baby you could ever wish for.

The Bad

  • C wakes up a lot at night, so I get very little sleep. We’re working on it, but it’s one of those “two steps forward, one step back” things. Sometimes it’s 2 steps back.
  • She is super clingy with me, as in I can’t even put her down on the bed in front of me while I get dressed without her crying huge tears. It’s incredibly annoying and inconvenient.
  • She’s had RSV once and croup twice in the last 2 months. I get sick every time, too.

The Ugly

  • I fucking hate pumping. HATE. Lately, my output has been seriously lacking. It doesn’t help that I went from 3 to 2 pumps per day, primarily due to my travel schedule. I know some women would kill to get anything at all, but for me, producing less than half of what she eats at daycare each day just isn’t worth it. I struggled, but finally decided to stop pumping at work. I have a good frozen supply, and C is not shy about eating solid foods. We’ll have to supplement with formula for a few months, but I’ve never had a problem with that. I plan to keep nursing her whenever we’re together.
  • I’m not so crazy about breast feeding, either. Again, I feel bad saying this, because I know plenty of women who would kill to be able to breast feed. Sure, I’ve loved – and do still love – things about it, like the bonding and the idea that my body can nourish my baby. However, lately, the negatives seem to outweigh the positives. I just want my body back. It sounds selfish, but I want to be able to eat or drink anything I want, and not worry about what OTC medications are safe for breast feeding. I’m tired of making my breasts available 24/7, planning my wardrobe around nursing, and worrying about leaking when I forget my breast pads.
  • I’m struggling to resume my work travel schedule, which includes evenings away, and the occasional overnight. I hate the idea of C being sad that I’m not there (especially with how clingy she’s been lately), and I worry about M’s anxiety dealing with a inconsolable baby. Plus, I just don’t want to be away from her, especially overnight. So far, it hasn’t been a big problem for me to restrict my travel, but I can’t continue like this for much longer. Eventually, I’ll have to bite the bullet.

So, that’s life right now.

It’s a Major Award!


I was nominated by the beautiful Lauren at On Fecund Thought for this wonderful blogging “award,” which, let’s face it, is really just homework in disguise. I kid, of course! I’m very flattered that you thought of me, Lauren! I like these awards, because they allow us to learn more about each other, beyond our regularly scheduled blog posts.

First, the Rules:

  1. Link to the person who nominated you.
  2. Add the award logo.
  3. Answer the questions your nominator asked.
  4. Nominate 7 other blogs.
  5. Ask your nominees 10 questions.

Here are my answers:

What is something you are really good at?

Hmmm… there are so many to choose from! *winky face* I’m great at organizing, because I love to make lists. Mmmmm….. LISTS!

What do you wish you were better at?

Decorating. I usually end up with an “eclectic” look, but it’s really just because I have no idea what I’m doing, and pick up things I like here and there, without any thought as to how they go together. Right now my house is an empty canvas, but I have no idea where to start.

What has your loss / infertility journey taught you about life?

Almost everyone has had some sort of tragedy in life, whether infant loss, infertility, loss of a parent or sibling or close friend, disease, homelessness, etc. My journey has taught me to be sensitive to these things, and not assume everyone else has led a charmed life, because the truth is, most of us haven’t.

Paper diary or digital calendar?

Digital, all the way!

Where did you meet your other half?

We met online, through personal ads. Funny story: Turns out we had a friend in common, so we probably would have met eventually.

What are you wearing right now?

Right now, I’m wearing my work day basics: black slacks, sleeveless blouse, knit shrug/sweater thing, flat shoes.

When did you discover you could write?

Can I write? I can string words together to form sentences (I’m a grammar whiz), and every so often those words and sentences might join forces to create something interesting or funny, but I’m not sure I can write. In college, I realized that I could write better than most of my peers, at least when it came to research. But, the creative stuff? Essays? Meh. I took creative writing, but my work was embarrassingly cliche.

What is your favourite time of day, and why?

In general, I love mornings! Not so early that it’s pitch dark, but early enough that the world is still relatively quiet and most people aren’t exhausted from the day’s activities yet. People just seem nicer and the world calmer and more full of hope in the morning hours.

Lately, my favorite time of the day is 5:00 pm, when I leave work and pick my daughter up from daycare. Seeing her smiling face light up when I walk in the door is priceless! Our cuddle and nursing time when we get home is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

What piece of wisdom would you give your ten-year-old self?

Fuck what other people think about you. Embrace your passions, even if others tell you they’re stupid. You are awesome!

What’s the farthest from home you’ve travelled?

It’s a near tie between San Francisco and Washington, D.C., but San Francisco wins by about 30 miles. Washington, D.C., however, was the first time I had been farther than one state away from home. I was in the 8th grade, representing our state at some national history competition. Our topic was the Dead Sea scrolls. San Francisco came much later, in my early 20s. I visited my best friend in Reno, NV, where she was living at the time, and we took a side trip to the coast. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that in between those two trips, I didn’t wander farther than about 500 miles from home. I love the idea of travel, but I’m intimidated by it and I would much rather stay close to home.

Ok, so now I’m supposed to nominate 7 other blogs. Feel free to nominate yourself, too!

My Lady Bits
Not So New To IVF
Pregnancy Pause
Ambivalent Journey
A Neon Princess
Our Last Embryo
You and Me Are Family

The 10 questions you must answer:

What is your favorite book of all time and why?

What is your proudest accomplishment?

What is your favorite memory?

If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would you do?

What did you want to be when you were young?

If you were to create a piece of art, what would the subject be, or what would the medium be? (Or both, if you wish.)

How do you want to be remembered?

What’s your greatest talent?

How do you get to work?

Create your own question! Ask and answer, anything you want.

REBLOG: 21 Quotes to Help You Survive Infertility

I love this blog post by Lisa Newton (Amateur Nester) of quotes from real people who have experienced infertility. Many of them reference religion, which isn’t my cup of tea, but I think – I hope – everyone can find some comfort and inspiration in some of these.

A few of my favorites:

“Allow yourself to grieve slowly and passionately. Don’t let anyone tell you to get over it, to move on, or to forget about it. You will evolve into an entirely new version of yourself. You’ll find beauty in things you once overlooked. Embrace your grief and use it to your advantage.” – Chirleen

“Infertility is a disease; don’t be ashamed of it. You do not need to suffer in silence!” –Jenna

“It’s okay to take time to be sad and grieve whatever it is you need to, and it’s okay to tell people that. The best thing someone said to me was, “Right now we just need to be sad about this and we can talk about the other things later.” She was referring to people telling me, “You know you can always adopt and there are plenty of kids out there looking for homes.” – April

Read the rest here.

My Endometriosis Story


In honor of Endometriosis Awareness Month, I wanted to share my story of how endometriosis has affected my life.

If you are unfamiliar with the disease, you can learn about it here.

I started getting really painful periods in high school, so bad that I would need to stay home for at least one day at the start of my period, clutching a heating pad while curled up in a ball on the couch. Looking back, that was Big Clue #1 that something wasn’t quite right. But, like a lot of women, I thought it was normal, and doctors told me it was normal. It was a right of passage, or something. Pop some Pamprin and suck it up! Other than the pain, my periods were normal. I didn’t track them, but I always knew when to expect good old Aunt Flow and how many days she would stick around.

In college, a doctor recommended the birth control pill to help alleviate my cramps. She explained that the bleeding I would have on the pill wouldn’t be a real period, just withdrawal from the hormone, and so my pain would be much improved, maybe even absent. It worked! I still had some cramping, but nothing like before.

From that point on, I was always on some form of oral birth control. Always. At some point in my college career, I read an article that suggested there was no need to have a “period” while on birth control, that the original inventors actually designed the pill for continuous use. However, when it came to marketing it, not getting a period was apparently too unnatural for a lot of women, and I think the Catholic church was involved somehow (I don’t know, but I’m sure you could Google it to find out), so they added a week of non-hormone sugar pills for every 3 weeks of hormone, to mimic the average 28 day cycle. But, there was no biological reason a woman needed to bleed every 28 days. I took this information to my doctor and said I wanted to take the pill continuously so I wouldn’t get a period.

Over the next 10 years or so, I took the pill continuously, with just a few breaks here and there (mostly to appease skeptical doctors who believed a woman should bleed, at least some of the time). As promised by that first doctor, I rarely ever had cramps that bothered me as much as the ones pre-pill.

Fast-forward to the recent past, when I finally settled down and began attempting to reproduce. The first thing I did when we decided to try to get pregnant was stop taking the pill. It took a few months for my body to get the memo (89 days, to be exact), but I finally got a period. It wasn’t the Mother of All Periods as some might believe… it was just a regular period, with light days and heavy days, and a great deal of knock-me-on-my ass cramping. A few short months after that, we had our first positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately, our joy didn’t last, and I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage just shy of 12 weeks. (You can go back to the beginning of my blog for more details, if you’re interested.)

Once I recovered from the miscarriage, we tried again, to no avail. Each month, my period was difficult to predict. The only thing I knew to expect was the pain. Once again, just like in high school, I was doubled over in pain for at least one day during my period. But I couldn’t go back on the pill, not if I wanted to get pregnant again. So, I suffered. A year after my miscarriage, I still wasn’t pregnant, so my OB began some testing and put me on Clomid. (Note: In hindsight, that was a terrible idea. Only an RE should be prescribing Clomid. But that’s a topic for another post.) After just two cycles, it was clear Clomid was not right for me. It caused large ovarian cysts, the first of which burst and sent me to the ER. The second, six weeks later, was the impetus for the laparoscopy that lead to my diagnosis. The plan was to drain the cyst, and while in there, take a look around to see if there was any visible reason I wasn’t getting pregnant.

Low and behold, endometriosis! Really, really bad endometriosis. My fallopian tubes were essentially fused to my uterus by endometrial adhesions. The surgeon had to remove adhesions from my bowel, bladder, intestines…. It’s likely the endo was the reason for my painful bowel movements.

Having endometriosis doesn’t necessarily make someone infertile. However, it certainly doesn’t help. First of all, if any eggs were being released, they were probably having a tough time making it to my uterus, due to my fallopian tubes being stuck to the uterus. Not to mention, my eggs were being exposed to the toxic environment created by all that endometrial tissue scattered around my pelvic cavity. Indeed, I also had low AMH (basically low egg reserve), which was also a factor in my infertility. However, it was the ticking time bomb endometriosis that lead us down the path to IVF, because it would bypass all the obstacles posed by damage from the endo.

Our first IVF cycle was a huge success, with 9 eggs retrieved and 9 fertilized. Two embryos were transferred and 3 were frozen for later. One of those transferred became my daughter. When you look at how successful IVF was for us, it’s hard not to believe that the endometriosis was a significant factor in my infertility, for as soon as we took it out of the equation, I was able to achieve and maintain a pregnancy.

What I find fascinating is how the disease seems to affect every person differently. Some women with only moderate endometriosis suffer a great deal of pain, not only once a month during menstruation, but every day. Some with severe endometriosis have very little pain or pain only during a period. For some, endometriosis causes (or plays a significant role in) infertility; for others, it doesn’t affect fertility at all. For me, severe endometriosis caused severe pain just once a month. Compared to some, I got off lucky. I read story after story about how endometriosis has significantly reduced the quality of life for some women, who suffer from pain every day. Every day. And the pain isn’t always localized to the pelvic region. Endo pain can pop up literally anywhere in the body. Many women wouldn’t even make the connection if not for their own diligent research and connecting with others online.

It astonishes me how much we don’t know about endometriosis. It takes forever and a day to get a diagnosis for many women, and the only way to diagnosis it is through laparoscopy. What disturbs me most is that the best “cure” at the moment is hysterectomy. It’s devastating, especially if you desire to have children. Even less is known about endometriosis and infertility. For a disease that affects an estimated 176 million women worldwide, that’s simply not acceptable. I’m not the activist type, so I have no idea what to do about it, except to educate others about it. I’m a big believer in being your own medical advocate, so if you think you may have endometriosis, do not hesitate to see your doctor about it right away and don’t stop pushing for answers until you are satisfied. Educate yourself through websites like Follow blogs by women who suffer with endo. Share your story on your blog, or, if you don’t have a blog, share your story in the comments section.

6 Months & Making Plans

First, a baby update: Clara turned 6 months old yesterday. Six whole months! It’s unbelievable to me.


  • Squealing at the top of her lungs, especially when I match her squeal for squeal. It’s quite a fun game!
  • Jumping in her ExerSaucer
  • Putting all the things she grabs immediately into her mouth
  • Tugging on dad’s beard
  • Reading books
  • Crinkly toys


  • Getting dressed
  • Being strapped into her car seat
  • Sitting up
  • Not being able to put my iPhone into her mouth
  • Strangers

She hasn’t had her 6 month check up yet, so I don’t know exactly how big she is, but I would estimate about 16-17 pounds and maybe 25 inches long (that’s a total guess).


I’m still breastfeeding, and pumping while at work. It’s kind of a pain, especially when I travel, but I know it won’t be forever. In fact, I plan to wean at 12 months, if she hasn’t weaned herself before then. We have introduced solids. Our original plan was to do baby-lead weaning, but Clara doesn’t have much patience for learning to feed herself. She actually prefers that we put food directly into her mouth (which goes against baby-lead weaning). Instead, we’re doing a sort of hybrid. We give her whole foods from our meals, along with baby cereal and purees. Her favorites are strips of cooked red bell pepper, baked sweet potato fries, oatmeal, and peaches.


The first thing everyone asks us is, “How is she sleeping?” The answer always varies, because sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s not so great. But it’s mostly pretty good. Between teething, growth spurts, learning new skills, and eating new foods, it’s a wonder she doesn’t have more bad nights.


So far, I think she’s hit all the milestones we would expect. She rolls over both ways easily, and can sit up for short periods unassisted. She doesn’t crawl or scoot yet, but she has learned how to rotate on her stomach. She can stand with help, but she’d rather be jumping. She LOVES to “talk,” especially when I pick her up from daycare.

I could go on and on, but I don’t want to bore you. In a nutshell, Clara is awesome and things are going as well as I could hope!

The Best Laid Plans

It may be premature to talk about this, but M and I made a big decision recently. We decided we would try for baby #2 starting in August (when Clara will be a year old). We will try naturally (I can barely type that without laughing) until the spring of 2016, when we will attempt FET with our frozen embryos. Even though it’s a whole six months away, just thinking about trying naturally brings up a whole host of emotions, most of which make me want to vomit. I think I will have to force myself to not think of it as trying at all, but it won’t be easy.

Reblog: When Postpartum Depression isn’t Depression

This post from Alicia at really resonated with me. While my experience has not been as extreme as hers, I can definitely relate to her fears. Most importantly, I want to draw attention to the fact that postpartum depression isn’t always depression. It can be anxiety, too. It’s called Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder. I think many of us who experienced infertility before having our babies can relate to this.

Our baby had proven herself a fighter every step of the way. But I couldn’t see it like that. In my mind, I imagined a figurative Grim Reaper hiding in the shadows, determined to finally take the baby who wasn’t supposed to be here.

Read her full post “When Postpartum Depression isn’t Depression.”

(Never Say) Never Give Up


A great piece on how “Never give up” can do more harm than good, especially when it comes to infertility.

Originally posted on Fox In the Hen House:

Never give up.

This is a phrase commonly used when a person is struggling in life or fighting an illness.

Once again, this is a post that came about because of a specific event but is actually a recurring theme in the infertility world. So while the specific event led to me actually writing this post, this post is not solely about that event or an attack on that person who most recently said that phrase. There’s been enough fighting on Twitter about this already I don’t care to encourage more of it. Which is why I thought perhaps more than 140 characters were warranted on the topic. Also, please note that this post has been sitting in drafts for MONTHS. I was only reminded that it was still sitting there because of a recent post on the very same topic.

Never give up.

If you have not attained…

View original 594 more words