I’ve been having this awful recurring daydream that Clara isn’t real, that she died or I miscarried, and I completely invented the last 3 months in my head as a way to deal with the grief. It happens in fiction, but is it something that could happen in real life? I just can’t shake the feeling that I’ll suddenly be faced with a reality in which Clara never existed.
(Oh, by the way, that’s her name: Clara. I suddenly feel the need to type her name.)
Does this happen to anyone else? Just yesterday, as I was driving to an appointment on my lunch hour, I was suddenly afraid to look in the back seat, for fear I wouldn’t see her car seat, blanket, or any of the other random baby items that always end up back there. I thought, What if I look and it’s not there? What would I do? Call my husband, frantic, only to be told (reminded) that we have no baby? What if I show up at daycare only to find she’s not there, because she doesn’t exist? My mind delves even further into the abyss: What if this happens every day, and I have some weird form of amnesia, so my husband has to remind me about it all the time? What if I’m bat-shit crazy?
Is this normal? A form of post partum depression? It’s not constant, and it doesn’t interfere with my daily life, though it is a daily thought.
I know the root of the problem is in my history of loss and infertility. It doesn’t help that today is the 3rd anniversary of my first baby’s due date. But that doesn’t really tell me whether these thoughts are normal or if I should start seeing my therapist again. Do “normal” (non-loss, non-IF) moms go through something like this?